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Baffled Scots cops call in priest to deal with unruly spirits

Terrified family evacuated after encounter with Chihuahua chucking poltergeist

Scottish Police have been forced to turn to the Catholic Church after a family in South Lanarkshire were apparently subjected to a campaign of terror by a Chihuahua-levitating poltergeist.

According to the Scottish Daily Record, police attended a house in Rutherglen, South Lanarkshire on August 8 and 9, following reports of disturbances. According to the paper, the experienced cops were expecting to deal with some form of mental disturbance.

However, when they arrived, the cops themselves apparently “witnessed lights going off, clothes flying across the room…”. Oven doors were apparently opening and closing of their own accord, while lampshades were turned upside down.

Most terrifyingly, they saw the devoutly Catholic family’s pet Chihuahua inexplicably perched on top of a seven foot hedge, presumably levitated there by the unruly spirit.

The Daily Record says the attending officers were forced to call in their initially sceptical superiors. However, they too became convinced of the paranormal shenanigans, but were stumped about what to do, because no actual crime had been committed.

According to official police statements given to the press, “advice and guidance was given”.

However, according to the the Daily Record’s sources, while the terrified residents were packed of to stay with relatives, the cops called in an even higher power - in the shape of the Catholic Church. A priest has apparently attended the house and performed what has euphemistically called a “blessing”. Which sounds far less dramatic than an “exorcism”.

So far, it's not clear if the bell, book and candle routine has worked. The family are apparently yet to return, and appear to have exchanged one set of tormentors for another, with the unfortunate mother complaining of both the media attention and local teenagers hanging around singing the Ghostbusters theme.

Turning to the Church of Rome was clearly the only option left to the baffled cops - in these secular times, it’s pretty much the only organisation with deep expertise on evicting unruly spirits. The Vatican’s top exorcist - Fr Gabriele Amorth - is still going strong at the age of 91. Amorth warned six years ago about the “smoke of Satan” permeating the corridors of the Holy See. Presumably, things are a little clearer now. Pope Francis gave official Vatican backing to the International Association of Exorcists just two years ago.

Unfortunately, Amorth also apparently believes that the current rite of exorcism is a “farce” in that it does not address the “evil spells” which he says are the root cause of most cases of possession. More recently, he has suggested that God will “soon admonish humanity in a very powerful manner.” ®

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