¡Bong! The people had not just spoken, I realised as I woke up in the late afternoon (as usual) on June 24th this year. They'd sworn and puked up all over my Sayl office chairs, and pissed gleefully in my Puyehue water.
Just as I had warned you all before the Referendum, Brexit imperiled the very wellspring that irrigates the new digital economy, by threatening to shut off my EU innovation and sustainability grants.
Now I wouldn't expect a knuckle-dragging Geordie with just two skills (swearing and fighting) who still points at aeroplanes to understand the long-term benefits (to me, anyway) of the Horizon 2020 Gamification Programme, or an EU-funded, low-carbon Linux energy meter knitted out of yoghurt, but surely there were enough of us who still retained sense? After all, everyone I know and had ever met in the tech and sustainability sectors agreed with me.
And most had got MBEs.
It was the defenestration of some of my closest political allies – the so-called Cameroonians – that was the final straw. So I decamped for the summer to Esalen to replenish my supply of spiritual energy, so necessary for disruptive innovation. Dave and Sam were able to join me.
Please note, disruption is something I do to you, not something anyone ever does to me.
I am a firm believer in protecting democracy. Democracy is a precious candle flickering that can easily be blown out by the forces of darkness, like people voting. We must always respect the democratic mandate, except when the majority endorses something with which more digitally-aware people disagree.
Then came the cruellest cut of all. The sadistic new kitten-heeled Prime Minister, Rosa Klebb, called me out by name in her speech to the Conservative Party Conference. "Mr Bong," she almost said, "too many people in positions of power behave as though they have more in common with international elites than with the people down the road, the people they employ, the people they pass in the street. But if you believe you're a citizen of the world, you're a citizen of nowhere. You don't understand what the very word 'citizenship' means."
But as I have explained before, I recognise no state except Cyberspace. Your laws are not welcome here, John Perry Barlow explained in 1995. But your grants are absolutely essential, or we'll call you analog dinosaurs that don't "Get It", and we will mock you relentlessly on Twitter, if you stop the spigot.
That never fails.
Now I welcome three major disruptors: Lord Chief Justice Thomas, Lord Sales and Sir Thomas Etherton. Let us salute them as they end this insane democratic experiment of "carrying out the will of the people" for the last time.
Lords, thank you.
Me and The Donald go back a long way. I have long admired Mr Trump's innovative approach to everything from hotels to casinos. But he has very little empathy for digital disruption, so you will not be surprised that 18 months ago I was working flat out for Hillary's presidential campaign (Thank fuck I used Slack, not emails, or the full extent of my involvement would have leaked all over the web by now. Tip: if you want your communications to never be found, use Slack).
Now it looks like the orange-haired buffoon may steal her rightful crown, and Silicon Valley is in meltdown. But is it any wonder?
On the trail, Hillary talks about jobs and opportunity, but who gives a fuck? If only she had followed the simple cue policy proposals I had devised for her with Alphabet chairman Eric Schmidt...
- A bold position on protecting Net Neutrality
- More cycle lanes
- An intersex toilet in every public school
- More solar subsidies [thanks Elon!]
... Hillary would now be the toast of the NASCAR heartlands, rather than being some out-of-touch Washington elitist.
FBI Investigation into the Bong Foundation: A Comment
My lawyers have advised me that I should say as little as possible about the FBI's investigation into the Bong Foundation, which has been so much in the news lately.
I am particularly upset by the allegation that 98.8 per cent of donations to the foundation are either spent on hospitality for policy-makers, and internally on travel and drugs for executive staff. Not only is this factually incorrect (it's 99.45 per cent), but these are vital to the work of the foundation.
I will say no more.®
Before the vote I left in place a secret contingency plan explaining what needed to be done if the vote went wrong. I am delighted to say everything is going just swimmingly.