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Happy ending for Kettering as soapy veteran replaces Mean Girl Lindsay

Diva soapstar turn-on-turn-up-slap-down on the cards?

Kettering has drafted in EastEnders veteran Cheryl Fergison to turn on the town for Christmas – after abandoning hopes of child-star-turned-adult-car-crash Lindsay Lohan following through on her post-Brexit promise to light up Northamptonshire.

Lohan made the pledge after dissing the home of Weetabix in the course of her all-night Twittathon on the day of the UK’s Brexit referendum.

This prompted delightfully named local MP Phillip Hollobone to call on Lohan to atone for her shameful slating of the English town by pressing the button at the town’s annual Christmas light-up on November 24.

La Lohan initially said yes, but in recent weeks, organisers admitted they had been unable to track her down. Lohan has been variously launching an energy drink, helping refugees and opening an Athens club – sometimes all at the same time according to some reports.

Just last week we suggested that the most likely outcome would be that the great and good of Kettering would turn to their local talent reservoir – the Lighthouse Theatre, where Fergison was starring in Beauty and the Beast.

Not that we’re claiming to psychic, or anything, but Fergison has since announced she will indeed be turning on the lights.

Apparently, Fergison suggested that the populace might be disappointed, as she’s not Lindsay Lohan.

She might be underselling herself there. Fergison was on the UK’s screens up to five times a week up until March 2012. Lohan’s Wikipedia page classifies the period 2007 to 2013 as “career interruptions”.

Either way, Kettering gets its celeb, Heather from EastEnders gets to turn on the lights, and the panto gets a serious plug.

The only way there could be a happier ending – for the rest of us at least – would be for an enraged Lohan to race up the M1 demanding she gets her turn with the lights after all. All eyes on Kettering for the 24th then. ®

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