Trump meets Google – exclusive transcript
Imagining the Eric, the Larry and the Donald
After meeting Kanye West, President-elect Trump will meet Google and other Silicon Valley leaders today. We've imagined how the conversation might go.
TRUMP: So. Peter tells me you’re the smartest guys in America. How do you like the furniture?
PAGE: Very nice Mr President Elect.
TRUMP: Where’s the Russian?
PAGE: Sergey [Brin]?
SCHMIDT: Sir, the Secret Service detained him. We warned him not to try to get into Trump Tower wearing his Google Glass, but he won't take them off. Well. We want to thank you for inviting us to Trump Tow---
TRUMP: Let’s just cut the crap. I know you did everything you could do get Hillary [Clinton] elected. I know you worked for Obama’s team, Eric [Schmidt]. I know you hate me and I don’t care. But you have 10 minutes to tell me what you want so I can figure out how useful you can be, and how much damage you can do. Go.
PAGE: Er, right. Well. Top of our agenda is ensuring that America’s wealth-creating technology companies – that’s us – have a vital supply of top technology talent.
SCHMIDT: The H1-B Visa program.
TRUMP: Sure, and I have no problem with a few thousand experts getting in each year. Even if some of them are Muslim, hah hah. There’s just one problem. It isn’t a few thousand. It’s over 300,000 a year.
SCHMIDT: But Mr President, as I said two years ago, ‘we take very, very smart people, bring them into the country, give them a diploma and kick them out where they go on to create companies that compete with us’.
TRUMP: What happens to those companies they create?
TRUMP: Well, hmmm.
SCHMIDT: Mr President, engineers are expensive, would you use the most expensive labour you could? Employers need to keep wages down.
TRUMP: Which of course I love. But you see, I just got elected on jobs. That’s how I won. I got 2 million fewer votes than Crooked Hillary, but I got them where it counted, right in her backyard. And you’ve created a two-caste economy. Maybe you can employ some American engineers?
SCHMIDT: Uh. In a global interconnected world, Sir, that would be…
SCHMIDT: We've fixed the DoJ now, Sir. We run it.
TRUMP: Only a crazy kid would grow up in America and want to be an engineer. Let's take a break.
<refreshments are served>
PAGE: Wow. MONKEY WAITERS!
SCHMIDT: Larry will explain our next concern
PAGE: We want America to lead in wireless innovation.
TRUMP: So do I.
PAGE: And at Google, we’re smarter than everyone else. Google is now a certified FCC Spectrum Access System Administrator. So uh, we want the airwaves. We want spectrum.
SCHMIDT: Mr President, we support a commons approach to spectrum. It should be shared out for free to the smartest people, like Google, as the 2012 PCAST report for President Obama recommended.
TRUMP: On which uh, you Eric and Craig Mundie were the only corporate advisors?
SCHMIDT: Smart people want smart solutions, Mr President.
TRUMP: Well as I understand it, the airwaves are the property of the US Government. My pals at the big telcos pay billions for the rights, then make it up through charges on their bills that nobody notices. This is beautiful. Everyone’s happy. You’re asking us to give up billions for the American taxpayer and my pals, right?
PAGE: Right, Mr President!
TRUMP: No I need that money for my beautiful wall. Next?
SCHMIDT: Well, we feel very strongly that the internet should be open and free.
TRUMP: I don’t. You don’t either, if you’re honest. You want to be able to get stuff and use stuff as cheaply as you can, like cheap labour or free airwaves. That's what I like about you. It's smart. So what are you really getting at? What else do you want cheap?
SCHMIDT: Well, Sir. We don’t think big telecommunications companies should be able to strike deals with entertainment companies for exclusives. We don’t think it’s fair some people pay more than others to watch those shows.
PAGE: And we think the cable set top box is a terrible thing. Americans are literally trapped inside a cable set top box, fighting to get out. We want to be able to free them, so they can watch the same great shows on YouTube, but without paying.
TRUMP: But you love The Apprentice, right?
SCHMIDT, PAGE: We love The Apprentice, Sir.
TRUMP: And you love the WWE?
SCHMIDT: Larry is a huge pro-wrestling fan and so am I, Mr President.
TRUMP: And people love the WWE and they love to watch it and will pay for it. <reading> Thank you Jared. Guys, your favourite Professor thinks that zero rating is bad because it “harms free expression by favoring commercial entertainment over other forms of video content”.
PAGE: Yes, Sir.
TRUMP: <rolls eyes> Well let me tell you how this works. Do you know what I was doing 20 years ago?
PAGE: No, sir.
TRUMP: I was bankrupt. Then I discovered TV. I realised the Trump brand is bigger than anything I have built – and everything I have built is beautiful. That is the power of the brand. So I love brands. Then I got on TV. TV made me famous and TV made me President. So I love TV. Now I can’t give a crap about what Hollywood wants from me. They hate me. I love sticking one over on Hollywood as much as you do. But I do give a crap about my TV investments, and my brand. This is The Trump Family legacy, right here. And everything you geniuses have suggested endangers my kids' inheritance..
PAGE, SCHMIDT: Uh….
TRUMP: I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to build that wall. And it’s going to be beautiful. But I think I’m going to need to extend it a little. I need to extend it right up the San Andreas fucking fault, until it reaches Canada. And you'll be on the other side. You’re fired. Go.
< PAGE, SCHMIDT EXIT>
TRUMP: Wow. These bozos are the smartest guys in the room? You’ve gotta be kidding. A meth head would have better ideas. I think I’ll Tweet that, Melania, pass me the phone… ®