Rather than forcing kids to suffer the embarrassment of composing their own wind sections in the toilets at schools, one solution proposed in northern Europe is to pipe in sweet music to drown out any anal-based arias.
Swedish local councillor Cecilia Cato, based in the town of Tingsryd, devised the plan amid concern that some children were getting themselves in a bind over noises caused by escaping gases.
“I don’t think it’s just about number two on the toilet, but many also don’t do number one,” Cato told The Local. “I’ve worked in the world of education for any years and know through the students that this is a problem.”
She said this was a problem for both primary and high school kids. “I myself experienced this when I was young and now that it’s being talked about, others confirm that they did too.”
According to Swedish national broadcaster SVT, students claimed the introduction of music would help to spare their blushes and make them more environmentally friendly as some previously ran taps to disguise the sounds.
Perhaps a change of diet is in order for the Swedes, whose famed delicacies includes rotten herring, salty liquorice, blood dumplings, meatballs, reindeer and the wonderfully named choc bar Plopp.
The local authority in Tingsryd is set to vote on Cato’s suggestion, and El Reg thought it might be a humanitarian act to put forward some suggestions for the playlist.
With that in mind, let’s get the ballcock rolling: "Waterloo" by Abba; "Ring of fire" by Johnny Cash; "Golden Brown" by The Stranglers; an audio version of Shakespeare’s Richard III; and of course anything by Squeeze.
Over to you, readers! ®