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The Zuck promises to give you more local news – and so save the world

Techno Jesus posts latest Facebook teaching

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has taken another step on his path to enlightenment, informing the masses that henceforth the Holy Facebook will include more news from local sources.

The teaching was posted to The Zuck's personal page and in it he reveals the great truth to his followers: that understanding of issues closest to us in our lives is critical to a healthy society.

"Local news helps us understand the issues that matter in our communities and affect our lives," Techno Jesus preached. "Research suggests that reading local news is directly correlated with civic engagement. People who know what's happening around them are more likely to get involved and help make a difference."

This extraordinary revelation was only possible thanks to His Humbleness when He traveled the country and mixed with common folk in order to understand their concerns. In his teaching, Zuckerberg reveals the depth of his compassion.

"When I traveled around the country last year, one theme people kept telling me is how much we all have in common if we can get past some of the most divisive national issues. Many people told me they thought that if we could turn down the temperature on the more divisive issues and instead focus on concrete local issues, then we'd all make more progress together."

Fortunately, in Mark we have not just great wisdom and insight but also a powerful figure in a position to do something, and a man who is not afraid to do so.

"Starting today, we're going to show more stories from news sources in your local town or city. If you follow a local publisher or if someone shares a local story, it may show up higher in News Feed. We're starting this first in the US, and our goal is to expand to more countries this year."


And lo, his words were met with rejoicing across the nation. Even in the newsrooms of those local news outlets that have lost on average 40 per cent of their reporters over the past 10 years, in large part because of a precipitous drop in advertising revenue thanks to the dominance of digital companies like Google and Facebook.

Once an apostate and in charge of online machinery that foreign governments used to sow false and divisive stories in order to fracture society, it is clear that Zuckerberg has seen the light. Although that light appears to be trained on the stage of public office.

That Facebook will allow its users to see the content that other organizations go to enormous trouble and expense to produce in order to keep making money on ads is a truly humbling thought.

There truly is no end to Facebook's generosity. Well, there is an end – it's at the doors of Facebook's bank. Local news content should keep people fixated with the constantly updated blue webpages the company produces. Just a shame none of the money made from it will find its way back to the people actually producing the content.

But as local papers will surely discover, only by giving up all wealth and following Him can they reach salvation. The Bible says: "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me." Mark 10:21.

It's a different Mark of course. ®

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