Iran has gone full David Icke and accused lizards that "attract atomic waves" of spying for the West.
Hassan Firouzabadi, a former chief of the Iranian general staff, told the country in a radio Q&A session that a group of pro-Palestinian campaigners had, for reasons not explained, brought lizards with them into Iran.
They were using the animals' supposed nuke-sensing properties "to find out where inside the Islamic Republic of Iran we have uranium mines and where we are engaged in atomic activities".
Firuzabadi's comments were reported by the Agence-France Press agency and follow the death in state custody of an Iranian-Canadian environmentalist, which prompted questions from local media about what had happened. Iran insists he committed suicide in prison, while informed observers are far more sceptical of the Islamic Republic's claims.
Naturally, the dastardly plot to detect Iran's nuclear weapons development efforts using lizards was defeated, as were all other Western plots – "every time", in the general's words.
Those plots included the case of a German couple, according to Firouzabadi. Western intelligence apparently planted them "on a fishing boat from Dubai and Kuwait and sent them to the Persian Gulf to identify our defence systems".
"But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists." ®