You've heard of the e-penis – the measure of an individual's power and stance on the internet – but have you considered the street penis? Yes, 'tis the season to overcompensate by spewing the most garish Chrimbo lights display possible all over your home to let your neighbours know that you are indeed the big man.
We all know one, the streets that appear locked in a battle of bad taste every festive period, where, for lack of a sports car or SUV, a family can show off its wealth (or fiscal irresponsibility) through its electricity bill for December.
But a household in Reading, Berkshire, has turned the street penis posturing on its head, quite literally, by sticky-taping a dick-shaped lights display to the front of their home.
Like a sparkly middle finger to the rows of families who lost their shame in the Christmas shopping rush, the erection beams proudly from a property in Erleigh Road, according to the Reading Chronicle.
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Through some top-notch sleuthing, the paper blamed the only sector of society not to have suffered a sense-of-humour transplant – those damned restaurant-killing, soap-shirking, marriage-dodging millennials. Or, more specifically, a bunch of students sharing a house due to the property's proximity to the town's university.
No one else could possibly sink so low.
Local father of one and disgusted-of-Reading Stephen Bailey-Todd expressed his "complete disbelief" to the Chronicle after spotting the shining shaft while out on a walk.
"It was quite a shock to be honest," the 53-year-old said. "When you walk home you just don't expect to come face to face with an enormous penis on a wall."
And yet he just couldn't take his eyes off it. "The lights were flashing and it is so in your face, you cannot help staring at it."
He added: "I know young people like to have fun, but it's deeply offensive and shows a lack of respect.
"I would hope that if they are students, their university or college takes some form of action against them.
"It's not the sort of thing you would want a child to see."
The concerned resident neglected to mention whether he was offended by the sight of his own appendages. ®