If UK MPs hoped to get through Christmas recess without mention of the "B" word, they're shit out of luck because a Dutch boyband has dropped the hottest and only pro-EU earworm of the year.
Breunion Boys' debut single, "Britain Come Back", couldn't have come at a more critical time for remainers. Parliament broke up for holibobs yesterday and won't return until 7 January. A week later, MPs face a vote on Prime Minister Theresa May's tenuous Brexit deal. And what better to help them really consider their options than this oddly catchy slab of propaganda/master lesson in trollery?
Britain's departure from the European Union cannot be legally implemented without the terms approved by the House of Commons. Can the tuneless warbling of 20-somethings capture the hearts and minds of the ruling classes and send the UK hurtling back to the pre-Brexit era when neighbours didn't one day decide to hate each other?
Let's dig into the lyrics, which are essentially a love song to Blighty from Europe. Yes, Brits have a tendency to give the Continent a hard time, but over the Channel they are much more forgiving.
I cannot believe this is the end (oh no). I still feel your love inside me. I still sing your words. I make a wish as your star falls.
Oof. OK. No-deal, anyone? Like an overly attached ex, they might actually be pushing us further away.
Oh your voice paints my heart, your mirage fades away. Your choice turns my spine grey. There's always been a sea between us, we used to sail it together – but you're leaving, now we're falling apart.
"Your choice turns my spine grey"? So English isn't their first language, but the sea metaphor is... cute. Take it to the chorus...
Britain come back, Britain come back, Britain come back to us, it's not too late to turn around (repeat). Promise we can change, can we make you change your minds?
Desperate stuff, but desperate times and all that. The song isn't without criticism for the EU either. "We cannot deny we made mistakes, had a rocky start (ups and downs)," the boys croon, "but you didn't have a fair choice, you've been misinformed, the lies let all of us down."
You've also got the pure gold of:
It hasn't been easy (for us) to handle your critique. It hasn't been easy (we know) to make you feel unique*.
You've even got the rap verse, which begs Blighty to "think of what you're leaving behind" as the boybander, amazingly, rips his shirt open and gestures towards his six-pack.
The project's creator, Dutch animation artist Julia Veldman, told Reuters that when she heard Britain had voted to leave, "I cried, I really cried my heart out. It was so unexpected and overwhelming and it made me feel powerless."
In a "final, desperate, ultimate attempt" to stop Brexit, Veldman claimed to have spent a year auditioning pro-EU dreamboats to form a boyband with a message as a nod to Blighty's illustrious tradition of churning out irredeemably crap pop aimed at pre-teen girls.
"I thought, what else will work better than the voice of Take That, or a boyband – the best thing Britain ever gave to us* – to convince them to take us back?"
Anyway, now we have five lads, aged 22-25, apparently wanting to tour British pubs to spread their message. Although if this is a real tour and not the subtle troll many at The Reg believe it is, one suspects they'd be chased out of town.
What do you think, dear readers? Remainer anthem or more fuel for the Brexiteer fire? It'd make a hilarious Christmas number one for sure. Let us know in the comments. ®
* I rest my case, your honour (Reg pro-troll faction)