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Croydon school rolling in toilet roll after Brexit gift deemed unfit for the Queen's Anus Horribilis

Croydon, schools, Brexit, the Queen, poo – hey, it's a royal flush of terrible news items

A high school in the picturesque London borough of Croydon has been gratefully lumped with a lifetime supply of loo roll after Her Majesty the Queen turned down a donation from a cheeky German company.

Some reckon the UK, being a large importer of toilet paper, could be in the shit in more ways than one if it crashes out of the European Union without a deal on 29 March.

"Experts" are adamant that the nation could run out "within hours" in a bout of panic buying.

Cue a chance to score points at home for Dusseldorf-based Hakle, which on Monday shipped 90 packs of "Dream Soft" bog roll to Buckingham Palace "to ensure the monarch has access to one of life's necessities in case of a 'no deal' Brexit shortage", the Sutton & Croydon Guardian reported.

Of course the delivery had to be turned away on grounds of "security", though we suspect it wasn't up to scratch for the Royal Wee.

But as chance would have it, a staff member's brother works as deputy head of Woodcote High School in Coulsdon – and the TP was sent there instead.

Peter Mack told the Guardian: "It's been a slightly confusing series of events, but in the end we've ended up with a helpful stock of high quality loo roll.

"My sister called with the offer, and we were more than happy to accept.

"Whilst it was done as a publicity stunt, there is a serious element to it... In case of a no-deal Brexit there is a real chance the UK could run out quickly, since we import far more than we produce."

Hakle triumphantly told German press: "As you have already noticed yesterday, our palette with Hakle 'Dream Soft' was not accepted despite the threatening toilet paper scarcity from Buckingham Palace.

"Instead, we donated our 90 packs to Woodcote High School in Coulsdon, which was very happy about the large stock of a total of 1,440 rolls of our soft toilet paper!

"So our 'Dream Soft' has yet found its way and is now serving the British common good."

Fine. We all know that Her Majesty's cleanliness products of choice are ermine, mink and swans' necks anyway so it's a relief to see this stunt go to good use.

The kids just need to move quickly and seize the means of excretion because it's clear the teachers will stash this payload in the staff room while students make do with tracing paper. Viva la revolootion!

Don't worry about the rest of us, Germany. We won't need toilet paper when we're flinging fecal matter at the Houses of Parliament. ®

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