Watch out, Bali! Big Bluers set to realign their chakras at Best of IBM event in May

Actually forget the yoga, sea of suits better attend biz sessions. And no pesky kids this time plz

Balinese people – especially those in hospitality – are advised to boff up on IBM protocol of not daring to look at, talk to or share toilet space with top execs before the crew descends on the island in May.

Big Blue's "senior leaders" will land on the Indonesian province along with 1,000 "Best of IBM (BOI) Honorees" and their guests during one of two waves, 12-15 May or 15-18 May.

"These honourees have been instrumental in leading IBM's return to growth and positioning us as the leader in AI, cloud, analytics and cyber security," the posting on IBM's intranet – seen by us – stated.

The 2019 "winners" were selected from "all business units and roles". It is meant for "those IBMers who further the success of our company, clients, and the world at large. Those who work tirelessly to drive our business forward, and in turn, achieve tremendous results."

So maybe the Bali-based shindig will be time to kick back after surviving another year in the hectic world of tech? Maybe partake in some meditation and yoga? Or if that's not your thing, perhaps a spot of sports fishing during the day followed by some furious boozing in the evening.

Erm. No.

"BOI 2019 will serve as a rallying opportunity for honourees to reflect on and celebrate their 2018 milestones while looking forward to the future successes of 2019. IBMers across all roles, business units and geographies are eligible for this signature event," the memo continued.

IBM grew by 1 per cent to $79.6bn in calendar 2018, the first time it reported annual growth since 2011 when it peaked at $106.91bn.

Attending the "Business Sessions" and other functions was recommended. "Not doing so will result in your being personally required to pay taxes for the entire cost of the trip, per country tax laws, without tax relief from IBM," the posting confirmed.

Staff were also reminded that BOI is "not a family event", and that adult IBMers' whose kids attended in the past caused "considerable additional cost, logistics and safety issues".

"So we'll stand firm in enforcing the guidelines in 2019. Adults arriving with a child won't be transported to or permitted to check into the hotel or attend the Best of IBM," it stated.

Anyone considering asking for the cash instead of attending BOI will be in for disappointment too. Forget about it, said IBM. "There is no cash alternative option."

Given Bali's reliance on tourism as the biggest contributor to the economy, the locals may be happy to see planes loaded with suited tech execs arriving at their shores.

But folk in the service industry – as if their lives weren't hard enough – might have to be mindful of the etiquette when coming into contact with execs at the top of IBM's corporate ladder, as marketing personnel at IBM's offices in Austin, Texas, were reminded in June when CEO, president and chairman Ginny Rometty paid a visit.

Staff were told not to approach Ginny unless she approached them first: this meant no selfies, no bathroom run-ins, no elevator pitches and water fountain soirees were barred. IBMers were simply told to "act normally". Whatever that is. ®