Hardcore gamers no longer have to tread the knife-edge of actual life or death in the physical world while pwning n00bs in their favourite battle royale.
Thanks to some newly installed and highly conspicuous emergency buttons – each helpfully labelled EMERGENCY BUTTON to avoid any potential confusion – players hunkering down for the long haul at the Belong Gaming Arena in central Bristol from Monday next week will not end their days as a dried up old skeleton with a Dual Shock still quivering between their bony fingers.
No, they will be a healthily plump and rosy-cheeked skeleton and their calcified fingers will be like post-Brexit pork sausages.
How? One punch on that EMERGENCY BUTTON and a Deliveroo slave will be on his or her way over with a burrito* just for you, freshly prepared** by a nearby partner restaurant. You do not even need to leave your comfy gaming seat as the food is brought straight to the customer in store.
Oh, and the burrito will be free.
Save me! I haven't eaten in literally MINUTES! (unless you count the Pringles and Butterkist)
Bristol's Belong came up with the suspiciously publicity-friendly idea to "make sure that the gaming community is nurtured and cared for and that the Belong Gaming Arenas are places where friends and community can spend quality time together enjoying the games they love – without skipping important meals!"
Clearly there's no meal as important as a burrito [can confirm – Ed] and Belong certainly wants to keep customers topped up with Mexico's most famous of health foods. Gamers can be assured that their burrito will count as one of their five-a-day***.
Given that seasoned players usually stock up with a case of Mountain Dew before joining the virtual throng, lack of liquids should not be a problem. In fact, gamers are among the keenest advocates of plastic bottle recycling, typically pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks.
Hence that old gaming adage: "Never drink the Lucozade, because nobody brought any." ®
* Vegetarian options are available
** Earlier in the day, possibly
*** i.e. Five burritos a day