Episode 12 "We'd like to Twitter our information to the world," the Boss gasps happily – in much the same excited tones as one would expect upon the discovery of a cure for cancer, a path to world peace, or a piece of "free" software that doesn't inject a toolbar into your browser the moment you click next.
"I think the word you're looking for is tweet," the PFY chips in drily.
"No no, I want to use Twitter."
"Yes, and a Twitter post is called a tweet."
"As opposed to a twit, which you may have heard before," I add.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, you're bound to have heard it," the PFY says.
"I mean about tweet – are you sure that's what it's called?"
"Pretty sure. But you don't want to use Twitter anyway – you want to do a web blog like one of our beancounters does!"
"One of our accountants has a blog?!" the Boss asks, upset about missing that boat.
"Oh yes. It's an interesting read, too," the PFY says, tapping away on his keyboard. "Look.. >click<"
ItsANumbersGame7am: Got up, thought briefly about taking the toaster into the bath with me but decided against it because the book value is not completely offset by the full-cost replacement value under my current insurance policy given the 24-month nil depreciation period on small electrical home appliances. Calculated that the "sweet spot" for financial compensation is April 3 2021 when my life insurance policy and home and contents policy payouts are positively affected by the proposed whole-of-insurance policy and that any insurance payout would fall in a new financial year.
"Are you sure that's one of our.."
"Oh yes. And he goes on... >click<"
ItsANumbersGame8am, Leyton newsagents: Consider buying and eating a two-year-old tuna sandwich covered in dust in the back fridge behind a stack of cardboard boxes of off-brand chilli crisps but realise my suit has approximately three more wears before it's due for a dry-clean. Schedule a review of this plan for early next week."
"Yes, but are you sure he's one of our.."
8:33am 4th floor: Consider hurling myself out the window but am unable to do so because access is blocked by my co-workers, all of whom are scheduling Window Plan reviews into their calendars for early next week.
"Goodness, do you really think he..?"
"Who cares?" the PFY asks, anticipating the question. "But you see the problem?"
"Uh.. not entirely."
"Most people have nothing interesting to say on a regular basis. As the frequency of tweets increases, the resemblance of tweets to senile dementia increases proportionately - particularly where politics is concerned."
"I'm 73 you know," the PFY says, by way of demonstration. "I've still got all my own teeth. They're the best teeth in the world. Let's make teeth great again!"
"Yes well, I can see how tha..."
"My teeth have their own Twitter account," the PFY says. "It's the best Twitter account in the world apart from my hair's Twitter account."
"I hardly think..."
"I've just pooped my diaper!" The PFY whines. "My bag needs changing."
"Enough!" the Boss says. "We want to provide a method of communication to permit us to pass on interesting bits of information to our clients."
"What are we calling 'interesting' these days?" I ask.
"How the company is doing."
"EEEEEEERR!" the PFY says. "Game over Player 1."
"Who is has been appointed to the board?"
"I just came out of my coma," the PFY says. "It was the best coma in the world."
"What the share price is!" the Boss cries.
"Nope. See, it's not as easy as you think is it. So instead you just end up with a blogful of drivel and a follower base of one. But if you post something interesting – something that keeps your readers on the edge of their seats – well then you'll have real followers."
"And it would promote the company?" the Boss asks. "Because I may have suggested that it would at a board meeting."
"Let's face it, no one's going to follow a company blog. They're dull as dishwater. But if there's something salacious or interesting, then people start watching – and you can inject company promos and picture adds into your blog."
"What do you mean by salacious and interesting?" the Boss asks.
"The gradual decline into self-aggrandising dementia seems to pull in a lot of followers at the moment," I say.
"It's the best dementia in the world," the PFY adds.
"But if you want real followers," I say, lowering my voice, "you want to eclipse our Beancounter friend. He's doubled his followers every day for the past week, which is no small feat."
"So what – I should blog about the futility of my own existence?" the Boss says dubiously.
"Of course not. Just get the PFY to blog about it for you. You'll have so many followers you won't have to do with yourself!"
"And I'll be able to promote the company?"
"I can guarantee you that the company will get a surge of publicity!"
"And you're sure this will work?"
"100 per cent," I say, quietly removing the safety lock from the window...
The best windows in the world.