"Wouldn't wipe my arse with it" is an expression you'll commonly hear in the UK to describe a newspaper the speaker doesn't like. However, tomorrow Aussie tabloid the Northern Territory News will invite its readers to do exactly that.
In case you haven't noticed, 2020 has been pretty apocalyptic and Q1 isn't even done yet. Not satisfied with setting up a potential World War 3 and Getting Brexit Done™, the world decided it would be a great time to have a bit of a pandemic – a worryingly lethal one at that for older, more vulnerable folk.
The coronavirus panic, rightly or wrongly, has now spread Down Under, where shoppers are stripping shelves of hand sanitisation gel and bulk-buying bog roll as though having a surplus will protect them from what is primarily a respiratory infection.
One prepper was even reported (warning: link to one of those outlets you wouldn't wipe your arse with) to have pulled a knife on another customer in a toilet paper aisle in west Sydney.
Now, we all know the bottom has fallen out of print sales, but all NT News sees is a golden opportunity. The self-described "newspaper gone rogue" announced on Twitter:
If you're wondering what your I Survived Coronavirus 2020 souvenir edition pullout will look like, the rag obliged:
AAAANNNDDD HERE IS WHAT THE PAGES LOOK LIKE 👇 pic.twitter.com/107JbNepUr— The NT News (@TheNTNews) March 4, 2020
The Register has to hand it to a fellow red top for making us a smile in these dark and uncertain times with a cunning publicity stunt sure to make those circulation figures twitch – but we'd add a quick warning.
NT News wouldn't be drawn on whether the "toilet newspaper" differed in any way from regular newspaper. In which case, we would be wary of actually flushing it down the dunny if caught short lest you block your property's sewage systems.
Cue angry letters from landlords and flooded drains outside. Not speaking from personal experience or anything. It, er, happened to a friend.
In the meantime, whatever you do end up wiping your posterior with, stay safe and healthy out there. If you're happy and you know it, wash your hands! ®