You fool. You absolute fool. Do you think you’re special? Do you think you’re hot? Your mind is a foggy Louisiana swamp. You’ve got all the focus of the 2019 Labour manifesto. And that is why you ... always ...lose. Fortunately, laptop brand Razr has the cure for what ails you.
It's, er, chewing gum for gamers. Because - like their special gaming chairs and mousepads, there needs to be a special one for the specific chewing needs of questers. Whatever the reason, amazingly, the Mars Wrigley developed sticky stuff is called RESPAWN and the tagline reads: “Chew. Focus. Win.”
It’s got B vitamins and green tea extract (yikes) and comes in three flavours: Cool Mint, Tropical Punch, and - wait for it - Pomegranate Watermelon.
If that doesn't sound off-piste enough for you, vote for one of poll choices below or write your own suggestion in the comments:
This isn’t the first consumable from Razer. The firm already sells a powdered energy drink, also called RESPAWN. Nor is that the first beverage aimed at the gamer market. Earlier this year, Acer announced a new beverage called Predator Shot alongside a flurry of new laptops. The company’s CEO Jason Chen drank a can of it on stage. He did not vomit... at least not on stage.
If you want to completely eschew the old social life game - with its meals with loved ones and cooking and whatnot - there's also Soylent, which at one point sponsored UK e-sports team Endpoint. Soylent is a nutritionally complete meal replacement beverage. This one actually makes sense, because if you don’t have time to leave your RGB-clad station to take a dump, you definitely can’t waste time masticating. League of Legends waits for no man.
If you’re tempted to raise yourself from Call of Duty: Warzone, you can get a pack of gum from Razor’s official store for $2.99, or $27.99 for a pack of 10. ®