Tired: What3Words. Wired: A clone location-tracking service based on FOUR words – and they are all extremely rude

A tour of UK tech HQs courtesy of some saucy Anglo-Saxonisms


NSFW Some internet clown has satirised current UK controversy over mapping app What3words by making a version that uses four swearwords to name each 3x3 metre block of Great Britain.

FourKingMaps, which appears to have been put together using the same basic principles as What3Words, copies the same basic approach as W3W but uses four words – and very sweary words at that.

Both sites work by breaking the UK up into 3x3m squares and assigning a unique combination of words to each one. For example, the tourist entrance to the Houses of Parliament is located at "fiddlesticks.busty.suckmyass.barfface" or, in the W3W version, "lions.banana.using".

There has been some controversy over W3W lately; the location-finding app claims to avoid collisions (in the cryptographic sense) between similar-sounding words but may not in fact achieve that noble aim. It matters because W3W has been promoting itself to emergency services as a reliable location-finding technology, even though there are a number of examples of it not working as well as established technologies such as Ordnance Survey or GPS coordinates.

Infosec boffin Andrew Tierney analysed the algorithms underpinning W3W's location-assigning tech and concluded that the risk of homophones cropping up close to each other was much higher than previously thought.

But all of that's very serious and what you're here for, dear reader, is gratuitous swearing. So without further ado we'll take you on a Big Tech Co tour of the UK, courtesy of FourKingMaps.

Capita's London HQ can be found by visiting "tart.hardcore.explosivediarrhea.poontang" (sadly FourKingMaps doesn't yet have a linking function so you'll have to visit it by copy and pasting). HPE's United Kingdom headquarters in Winnersh can be located through the delightful address "hitler.ninny.spitroast.rustytrombone".

Oracle's London field office is said to be visible from "cuck.pisskidney.dingleberry.shaft" (a junction near One South Place in the capital), while Microsoft's UK campus near Reading can be viewed in all its magnificence by standing at "shitdick.skankywhore.pussy.creampie" (look, we don't make these up, the algorithm does it).

Apple's British flagship store is located at the very repeatable "teabagging.cumwipe.abortion.spitroast" (not a judgment on its Oxford Circus location, honest) while IBM's salubrious Portsmouth digs are at "cumdumpster.camgirl.hitler.rapscallion".

So who created this and why?

"I created a unique 4 swear word identifier for every 3m by 3m (approx) square in the UK & Ireland. I wanted to know where 'wanker cunt arse fuck' was and it turns out it's in Darlington," says its creator on the FourKingsMap website.

On reflection, we don't want to ask too many questions so we'll leave it there. ®


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