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BOFH: What if International Bad Actors designed the vaccine to make us watch more Steven Seagal movies?
Pipe down – Nicolas Cage could be listening
Episode 21 I've got nothing against conspiracy theories in general because if they didn't exist the PFY would probably have to join a book club or a sewing circle. But even the PFY will admit there's a limit, and at lunch today we think we found it ...
"So let me get this straight," I say. "The vaccine contains tiny … robots …"
"Nanobots," the bloke across the table from me chips in.
"Nanobots. Right," I say, "and these nanobots are …"
"What size are they?" the PFY asks. "The nanobots? Only the needle they use for the vax was pretty small."
"They're tiny. They're almost invisible to the naked eye," he says.
"Right," the PFY nods. "Who manufactures them?"
"Big Data," the bloke responds all-knowingly.
"OK. So Big Data's manufacturing these nanobots which are very tiny. And what, they distribute them to all the vaccine companies for inclusion in their vaccines? Or do they just do it at the doctor level – you know, backroom deals, kickbacks, that sort of thing?"
"Well, I don't know the nuts and bolts of it but the doctors will be in on it. And the government."
"Let's just park that 'sea of doctors' and 'government' bus for a few minutes and get back to these nanobots," I say. "How are these things powered?"
"What do you mean?"
"What powers them – to do what they do?"
"They've got tiny batteries."
"And what charges these batteries?"
"Radio waves," he replies, again nodding in an omniscient manner.
"5G?" the PFY asks – at which point I feel the urge to object that he's leading the witness. However, I plough on.
"So that would mean fractional amounts of power, as 5G is pretty low-power itself."
"And Wi-Fi," the bloke adds.
"Ah, now we're talking – because Wi-Fi is everywhere."
"And GPS signals."
"What about AM radio?" the PFY asks. "And LoRa?"
"Them too," he nods.
"What about the global wireless nanomesh?" I suggest.
"What?" he asks, confused by a term that's not appeared in his online group.
"Uh … nothing," I say – ensuring that it very soon will.
"OK, so nanobots, wirelessly charged by various radio waves – and 5G, the bastards. And who's behind it?"
"Yes, you said that, but they're the manufacturers of the equipment. Who's actually behind it all?"
"International Bad Actors."
"NICOLAS CAGE AND STEPHEN SEAGAL ARE BEHIND IT!?!?!" I gasp.
"No, like … governments."
"OK, I think we're getting there. So you're saying that governments – like the ones that can't agree on a trade tariff system, a single currency or even a measurement system – are behind all this?"
"OK. Now … why?"
"To track us all."
"Wouldn't they just pay Google and Apple to do that for them, given they're collecting the data anyway?" the PFY asks.
I fear we may be drifting into the PFY's own personal minefield of paranoia. However, it's important to push forward.
"And what will they be doing with all this data?"
"Well, tracking us!"
- BOFH: You drive me crazy... and I can't help myself
- BOFH: So you want to have your computer switched out for something faster? It's time to learn from the master
- BOFH: You. Wouldn't. Put. A. Test. Machine. Into. Production. Without. Telling. Us.
- BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine
"Yes, yes, but surely they're tracking us for a reason. I mean they must be DOING something with the data if they're collecting it."
"They're collecting it for future analysis," he says, seemingly relieved to have formulated a plausible answer.
"Right, so … nothing at the moment?"
"No, but we know they use nanobots for mind control. They've been doing it for years. They've been planning all of this for years."
Ah, the old mind-control chestnut.
"But surely," I say, "if they're using it for mind control, you wouldn't be saying this right now? Surely the nanobots would have suppressed this?"
"I've not had the vaccine!" he blurts.
"Or MAYBE … you just THINK you've not had the vaccine," I reply.
"No, I've not had the vaccine."
"But what about if you HAVE had the vaccine – only the nanobots have just been told to erase your memory of having had the vaccine?" the PFY asks.
"Because surely Nicolas and Steven would target the dissenters first? I mean they'd leave the rest of us sheep till the end and just deal with the troublemakers first."
"I don't …"
"Though nanobots probably couldn't completely erase your memory because they'd never be able to traverse every single synapse," I interject thoughtfully. "So you'd still have some vestiges of the memory in there. Not enough to make you remember but maybe enough that you'd feel like you'd had a dream or nightmare about it. And maybe they'd just need to reinforce your programming a bit every now and then. Have you felt the urge to watch National Treasure or Hard to Kill?"
"I don't think so?"
"Have you watched more than one Nicolas Cage movie?"
"And you felt compelled to do it?"
"You must have been. Nicolas Cage plays the same character in all his movies, so you'd only need to watch one – unless you'd been PROGRAMMED to watch more. And pretty much all Steven Seagal's movies are the same, so …"
"Lots of people have done that."
"Yeah, that's how pandemics work," the PFY sighs.
"This is ridiculous."
"Is it? Did you enjoy Hard to Kill?"
"I … suppose so."
"There you go. They got to you years ago," the PFY says.
"Maybe the REAL conspiracy has nothing to do with COVID and 5G. Maybe it's all about more movies!"
"Steven Sea-quel?" I add. "The clue's in the name."
"National Treasure 3. Ridiculously Hard to Kill. See what I'm saying?"
"That'll be the nanobots," the PFY says as we get up to leave.
"I'd get the injection," I add.
Sometimes you've got to feed the crazy. ®