Mark Zuckerberg would kick Elon Musk's ass, experts say
The two claim to be headed for a smackdown over copycat services
Comment It's been quite a week for billionaires doing ill-considered things, but let's not stop with touring the Titanic in a tin can because Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg could be on course to clash in a "cage match."
There's no love lost between the Twitter and Meta kingpins especially now that the latter is said to be developing a "response to Twitter," as put by Meta chief product officer Chris Cox.
"Project 92," rumored to be released to the public as "Threads," was the subject of an all-hands Meta meeting earlier this month where it was revealed to be integrated with the Instagram image sharing app.
"We've been hearing from creators and public figures who are interested in having a platform that is sanely run, that they believe that they can trust and rely upon for distribution," Cox told attendees.
"Sanely run" obviously being a dig at Twitter after Musk bought it last year.
Musk fanboys picked up on this egregious plagiarism on Twitter, drawing the gaze of the dark lord himself. "I'm sure Earth can't wait to be exclusively under Zuck's thumb with no other options," he said. "At least it will be 'sane'. Was worried there for a moment."
One twit warned Musk to be careful. "I heard he does jujitsu now," to which Musk joked: "I'm up for a cage match if he is lol."
Now, of course we can chalk this up to Elon doing what Elon does, typing whatever his brain sneezes. We can have a chuckle/roll our eyes at the image and get on with our day. But what followed was chilling.
The dead-eyed android man at the helm of Meta responded on Instagram with three menacing words overlaid on top of Musk's challenge: "Send Me Location."
Verge editor Alex Heath then tweeted that he had "confirmed that Mark Zuckerberg is serious about fighting" Musk and said a Meta spokesperson told him: "The story speaks for itself," in reference to Zuck's Instagram post.
"Vegas Octagon," Musk answered, adding: "I have this great move that I call 'The Walrus', where I just lie on top of my opponent and do nothing."
Quite clearly this is all in jest (at least on Musk's behalf, Zuckerberg's answer is kind of disturbing) but – and this is a big but – bouts between internet personalities is popular entertainment these days.
Professional jerk Jake Paul, who was once a Vine star and Disney Channel actor, has found fortune boxing other "influencers" – as has his equally repellent older brother Logan. It's a trend that has gained traction with other YouTube-oriented personalities too through events like Creator Clash. Jake waded in, telling Elon he would "gladly promote your fight against Zuck, we can do it in the PFL on ESPN+ for charity."
Meanwhile, Musk continues to dig himself a hole – or a grave. Because if this happened, our money is on Zuck, who is these days a ripped fitness freak partial to a bit of Brazilian jiu-jitsu. And he's apparently quite good at it.
The Register is happy to mention that Zuckerberg was emphatically not choked unconscious by an Uber engineer during a match earlier this month – his "effortful grunting" was mistaken by the referee to be snores, a Meta spokesperson told the New York Times.
But since our fitness regime mainly involves lifting a pint of beer to our lips, we're not qualified to comment. Health and fitness experts at Total Shape think they are, though.
Choose your fighter
"Both billionaires have openly revealed enough insight into their diet and fitness regimes that allows us to determine which of the two would most likely come out on top," the company said.
"Cage fighting is considered a relatively dangerous sport – a full-contact sport where two fighters compete using different types of fighting techniques within a cage.
"Whilst all body types can get involved, having a certain body type, fitness regime and diet can work in your favor when it comes to cage fighting."
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According to Total Shape, Zuckerberg "is 5'7" (171cm), shorter than the average American male, and weighs around 70kg." It observes Zuck's recent achievement of the "Murph Challenge" – running a mile followed by 100 pull-ups, 200 press-ups and 300 squats, then running another mile, all while wearing a 9kg weighted backpack. His diet is mostly vegetarian – "This year I've basically become a vegetarian since the only meat I'm eating is from animals I've killed myself" – but his "go-to food" is said to be grilled chicken for its high protein content.
Total Shape said: "Zuckerberg's ability to complete extreme fitness challenges and technique with mixed martial arts showcases he has substantial ability and endurance.
"Completing the widely recognized 'Murph Challenge' in 39 minutes 58 seconds is also extremely impressive."
Musk is said to be 5'11" and weighs around 81kg. "Both men are physically quite different. Musk is 51, and has a larger build and structure, whilst Zuckerberg is 39 and has a much smaller build," the gym bros said.
The chief twit told The Joe Rogan Experience podcast that while he does have a fitness regime, the older he gets, the harder he finds it to "stay lean." He admitted it had been "a while" since he had worked out with his personal trainer and instead "lifts some weights" on his own. He "doesn't love" running and "wouldn't exercise at all if I could."
As for diet, he has claimed he starts his day with octopus, a bowl of ice cream, eight oatmeal biscuits, and a donut. "I'd rather eat tasty food and live a shorter life," he said.
So who would win? Total Shape says:
Zuckerberg is more about hiking and high endurance activities that naturally build a leaner body. In contrast, Musk is more in favor of strength training and will have power in his corner. Therefore, when it comes down to who would win, it is agility vs strength.
Competitors with high levels of agility continue to make their way to the top of the sport time and time again. An example being Conor McGregor, whose speed and agility has become gold standard.
However, power in MMA is also a way of executing forceful movements rapidly, and is essential for successful striking and takedown attempts.
When it comes down the ideal body type and general endurance and skill for cage fighting, Mark Zuckerberg would have the upper hand. With a high protein, health-infused diet and demonstrative skills in mixed martial arts – he would most likely win.
However, having a strength and longer reach can give a fighter a lead when it comes to forceful striking and making it more difficult for the opponent to strike back.
Therefore, with Musk's body type leaning more towards an Endomorph, due to a broader, stockier build, his extra height could give him the upper hand. If he were to make it difficult for Zuckerberg to grapple and control earlier on in the fight, he could take the upper hand.
Both strength and techniques are important in MMA. Whilst strength will always play a role in fighting, knowing how to strike, grapple, and ground fight well is a significant advantage.
Placing both titans in a cage, Mark Zuckerberg would have the edge of agility and endurance needed to take Musk down, given Musk isn't able to forcefully strike him earlier on in the fight.
So there we have it – a younger, healthier man would beat the snot out of an older, less healthy man. They should still totally do it, though.
The Register has asked Meta and Tesla to comment on the veracity of their boss's statements and whether the companies have anything to add. ®