FEMA to test emergency alert system US-wide today

Americans are used to drills :(

Updated A short time from now America's Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, will kick off a nation-wide test of its emergency alert system (EAS), so don't be surprised if your cellphone or TV starts buzzing at 1420 ET (1120 PT). 

Do be surprised, however, if those around you begin transforming into mindless zombies from 5G signals, or start taking orders from microchips in vaccines, or whatever moronic conspiracy theorists on the internet have been making up.

Contrary to the beliefs of those that see the COVID-19 jab as a mind control plot led by Bill Gates and other shadowy figures, today's trial is a typical triennial test. FEMA, in coordination with the Federal Communications Commission, will ping cellphones as well as radios and televisions, with signals from its Integrated Public Alert and Warning System (IPAWS), and not for the first time.

"This will be the third nationwide test, but the second test to all [wireless emergency alert (WES)]-compatible cellular devices," FEMA said, adding "this will be the seventh nationwide EAS test." 

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Anyone who's received an Amber Alert is familiar with how the WES system works - loud, repetitive tones followed by an on-screen alert with details of the suspected kidnapped individual and information helpful in spotting them. This test will be similar, except in place of an actual alert will be a message, either in English or Spanish depending on the handset's language settings, saying "THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed."

The tone should only be played once, though FEMA will be transmitting the test signal for half an hour, so anyone who doesn't want to get pinged will need to turn their device off for 30 minutes or so. If you get it once you shouldn't be bothered again, though. If you have a hidden handset in your home for whatever reason – perhaps to get some privacy from an abusive, phone-snooping spouse - and don't want it discovered, turning it off for a while is encouraged.

Radio and television tests will last around a minute, just like emergency alert tests of the past. 

This is what it's like when conspiracy theories collide

There have been a number of conspiracy theories surrounding the COVID-19 vaccine - pair those up with conspiracy theories surrounding 5G and you have a perfect storm.

FEMA's test, warn numerous social media posts, will "activate" diseases like E. coli bacteria along with Marburg and Ebola viruses that were snuck into vaccines in a sealed form that could only be activated by an 18GHz 5G broadcast. Other posts claim the EAS test is a cover for the activation of RFID chips contained in the vaccine. Either way, time is running out for the sheeple, various posters allege. 

Just to be clear: this is all nonsense.

When we asked FEMA for comment on the matter its response was succinct: "The posts you're citing are false," the agency told us. 

"The sole purpose of the test is to ensure that the systems continue to be an effective means of warning the public about emergencies, particularly those on the national level," FEMA added. 

"Additionally, the national test alert, or any alert issued via FEMA's Integrated Public Alert and Warning System, will not make your phone or any other device 'inoperable.' Both WEA and EAS use broadcast technologies and cannot collect any of your data." 

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It's also worth noting that FEMA conducted a WEA test in 2021 - after the COVID-19 vaccine was deployed - and while that test was limited to devices that were opted in to FEMA's testing program, no reports of zombies or mass fatalities followed. 

It's also worth noting that we're all regularly bombarded with 5G signals - including those in the 18GHz range that's supposed to activate those deadly viruses, and everyone's fine. Whether 1420 ET today will be the beginning of the end remains to be seen, and we'll definitely update this story if so - this vulture may be unable to file the update, however, as he'll be a zombie. ®

Updated to add

Yup, the test worked, for us at least. And even though we all knew it was coming, it still made us jump.

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