Zuckerberg hunkers down in Hawaii to wait out apocalypse

$270M secret building project includes 5,000 sq ft bunker

On a remote part of Kauai, the fourth largest island in the Hawaiian archipelago, someone with a lot of money is bankrolling an extensive construction project.

It's all very hush-hush. Security guards and cameras watch the perimeter of the 1,400-acre site, a six-foot wall blocks locals from peeking, and vetted workers are subject to strict NDAs preventing discussion of the work.

However, those NDAs don't appear to have functioned as intended because a report in Wired claims the project's patron is none other than Meta big cheese Mark Zuckerberg.

Despite having built his $118 billion fortune on the back of other people's personal data through ad-driven social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, he's an intensely private person and expects the great unwashed to respect that.

All the same, it's the unorthodox plans for the site that have likely resulted in contract employees blowing the whistle.

These allegedly include a 5,000-square-foot underground shelter, self-sustaining energy and food supplies, lavish amenities like treehouses linked by rope bridges, and a tunnel system connecting two luxurious mansions to the bunker. The entire project is projected to cost more than $270 million.

While what's going on behind the walls is heavily guarded, it's no big secret to locals that Zuckerberg is behind it. The report says he began buying up the land now known as Koolau Ranch in 2014, even going so far as to sue residents with ancestral rights through a litany of shell companies from 2016. These methods have sparked backlash and accusations of exploiting Hawaiian land ownership laws.

Meanwhile, the compound is said to have taken a toll on the local community with increased traffic, noise, and a shift in the neighborhood's character.

Needless to say, the project is not popular. A petition to "stop Mark Zuckerberg from colonizing Kauai" has more than a million signatures. Perhaps in a bid to soften up the local population, Zuck and wife Priscilla Chan have disbursed more than $20 million to Kauai non-profits since 2018, including a $4.2 million donation to relaunch a county jobs program and $3.5 million going to COVID-19 aid projects.

The plans suggest that techno-optimist Zuckerberg expects the worst amid a spiraling climate situation and numerous geopolitical powderkegs just waiting for an excuse, while the rest of us have to white-knuckle life and hope that sanity prevails.

Brandi Hoffine Barr, a spokeswoman for the Zuckerbergs, refused to comment on the bunker but said: "Mark and Priscilla value the time their family spends at Koolau Ranch and in the local community and are committed to preserving the ranch's natural beauty.

"Under their care, less than 1 percent of the overall land is developed, with the vast majority dedicated to farming, ranching, conservation, open spaces, and wildlife preservation."

Zuckerberg is far from the only billionaire preparing for the apocalypse. Just check this article from The Observer, which includes this incredible passage:

"How do I maintain authority over my security force after the event?" The event. That was their euphemism for the environmental collapse, social unrest, nuclear explosion, solar storm, unstoppable virus, or malicious computer hack that takes everything down.

This single question occupied us for the rest of the hour. They knew armed guards would be required to protect their compounds from raiders as well as angry mobs. One had already secured a dozen Navy Seals to make their way to his compound if he gave them the right cue. But how would he pay the guards once even his crypto was worthless? What would stop the guards from eventually choosing their own leader?

The billionaires considered using special combination locks on the food supply that only they knew. Or making guards wear disciplinary collars of some kind in return for their survival. Or maybe building robots to serve as guards and workers – if that technology could be developed "in time".

As another example, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman claims to have an arrangement with entrepreneur Peter Thiel whereby the pair will fly to Thiel's properties in New Zealand when shit hits the fan and wait it out.

The question then is that if the ultra-rich are so worried about the planet's future, why aren't they shaking their infinite money trees to do something about it instead of digging holes just to save their own hides?

Otherwise humanity's greatest hope will be a race of CEO-descended inbred mole people. ®

More about


Send us news

Other stories you might like