Throwflame launches fire-spitting robo-dog from Hell

The Thermonator can be yours for just $9,420

Picture Boston Dynamics' nightmare fuel robot dog Spot. Now imagine it 1,000 percent more terrifying.

Imagine no more because "the future of fire delivery has arrived," according to Ohio pyromaniacs Throwflame.

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Enter the Thermonator, introduced as the "first-ever flamethrower-wielding robot dog."

"This quadruped is coupled with the ARC Flamethrower to deliver on-demand fire anywhere!" burble the flame dog dealers.

The Thermonator – which was first teased last year and now seems to be an actual thing you can buy – also boasts an hour of battery life, a 30 ft (9.1 meter) flame-throwing range, Wi-Fi and Bluetooth, remote operation via smartphone from a first-person perspective, Lidar obstacle avoidance, and even laser sighting.

This 37 lbs (16.8 kg) Black Mirrorian horror is "ready for anything," says Throwflame, including wildfire control and prevention, agricultural management, ecological conservation, snow and ice removal, and lighting the barbecue.

In the US, the company assures us, flamethrowers are federally unregulated, because of course they are.

Essentially, now you can become death, the destroyer of worlds, from the comfort of a deckchair, brewski in hand.

That's right, you don't even have to be a clandestine government agency. The Thermonator is also available to the general public for $9,420, with free US shipping.

Come on, it's not like your kids were going to college anyway.

Throwflame has the "strapping flamethrowers to robots" market cornered. In 2019, it introduced the TF-19 WASP drone attachment, which required a UAV capable of lifting a 5 lb (2.3 kg) load to rain fire from the sky, but this is the company's foray into ground-based remote immolation.

The next time wildfires ravage the Western Seaboard, we'll know where to look. God bless America. ®

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