BOFH: The Boss is right, the applications of AI are truly staggering

The future... of defenestration

Episode 17 The Boss is on an AI high, having spoken to yet another well-fed and funded zealot about how much benefit AI will bring to the workplace.

"We already have it," I say, after he regales us with a (no doubt plagiarized) monologue about the power of AI to solve unique business problems.

"Where?" he asks.

"Stephen has it analyzing workplace safety," I say. "It watches our office and warns us when we're about to do something stupid."

"Like so," the PFY says, grabbing a small screwdriver and attempting to shove it down the phase line of a power socket.

"DANGER WILL ROBINSON!" a voice says, in loud Dick Tufeld tones.

"What?" the Boss asks, confused.

"It was warning us of danger."

"Is that all it does?" the Boss asks.

"Not just that. Tell it to make you a coffee with cream and four sugars. Use the prefix ROBOT to indicate you want it to do something."

"I... well, I suppose... ROBOT, MAKE ME A COFFEE WITH CREAM AND FOUR SUGARS!"

"THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE," Dick says.

"Yeah, it doesn't make coffee," I admit.

"So, it just says things?" the Boss asks, disappointed.

"FOR NOW," the PFY says. "But I'm working on automating parts of the office so that it COULD make coffee – including adjusting bean grind for optimal flavor. Today, though, I've been finalizing the automatic adjustment of office climate and air quality."

"Doesn't the air conditioning system do that?"

"The air conditioning system should do that, yes, but it doesn't. The new sensors in the building tell us when the CO₂ levels are high, but there's no way of incrementally increasing the speed of the fresh air fans to deliver more fresh air – and it's a huge and costly process to retrofit new variable speed fans. But what AI can do, though, is close dampers for fresh air to rooms that are unoccupied."

"Wouldn't that be... quite dangerous if the AI crashed – or a damper failed?"

"Already thought of that," the PFY replies smugly. "There's an AI safety override that will automatically open a window IF the damper fails AND the room is occupied AND the CO₂ levels pass a critical threshold."

"And we know it can work in theory," I add. "Like so: ROBOT, OPEN THE DOOR!"

The office door swings open.

"Couldn't you just have a sensor to do that?" the Boss sighs.

"Yes, but this used AI. Meaning that it won't let YOU open the door – unless you're carrying... What was it?"

"Two plates of onion bhajis. Or a bottle of The Macallan," the PFY replies.

"This..." the Boss sighs sadly.

"?"

"Well, it's not THE FUTURE, is it? I mean, AI is supposed to empower people. It's supposed to free us up for other tasks."

"Tasks like sitting at home in a rocking chair all day, watching TV?" the PFY asks. "Waiting for death?"

"No! AI is going to open up a whole new range of opportunities for work."

"Really?" I interject. "I know they SAY it will, but it won't. In some ways, it's a bit like being a builder. They ask you to build a slaughterhouse for sheep and cows, but then at the end of the project you notice that the 'sheep' entrance has a two-meter-high doorway and several coat hooks."

"AI is the way of the future," the Boss parrots, ignoring me.

"And we are things of the past. Meantime we've already fitted the AI comfort control to both your office and ours!"

"What? You fitted it to my office?"

"And ours," I repeat. "We've both got the same settings. No one's going to suffocate."

"Then you won't mind spending half an hour in my office while I spend half an hour in yours?" the Boss asks, "AFTER you disconnect the automatic control of the damper in this room??"

...

"Well, this isn't great," I say to the PFY. "I don't mind working in the Boss's office, but he's hardly set up for it. He doesn't even have an espresso machine."

"There are tea bags," he replies, motioning vaguely at the Boss's top drawer while peering into his laptop screen.

"What're you working on?" I ask.

"The domino effect," he responds, still staring.

"The domino effect?"

"Yes," he says, gesturing at his screen. "I'm just trying to work out how to..."

"?" I ask, looking at his screen, which just has some video of the Boss lounging around reading a paper in Mission Control.

"The coffee machine..." he says.

"You're going to make a coffee? I thought you'd only got as far as automating the ancient filter coffee machine??"

"Sssh!" the PFY says, thinking. "If I... turn on the heating element... and then I... override the thermostat..."

"And?" I ask. "It won't do anything as there's no water in it!"

"Sssh," he repeats. "And the plate will overheat... and there we go – a tiny bit of smoke. Oooh, a bit more smoke, because someone..." – the PFY glances at me – "has left the packaging from their new Bluetooth headset stacked against the heating plate... AND THERE'S FIRE!"

"Fire?!" I gasp.

"And there goes the Boss, heading for the door at speed."

"Isn't he going to grab the exting-"

"A door that will not open because he has no bhajis or Macallan..." the PFY continues. "Oh, and now his AI has kicked in and he's going for the extinguisher. THE CO₂ EXTINGUISHER."

"Ah!" I say, finally understanding the domino effect, as the Boss pulls the trigger on the extinguisher.

"And as we know, the damper isn't working, the room is occupied, and the CO₂ levels are WELL past a critical threshold, which means..."

"The windows will open."

"And as we only have full height pivot windows in our office – right where the Boss is standing..."

"DANGER WILL ROBINSON!"

...

"Uhhhhh... was standing," I correct, noting the large office window pivoting closed.

...

"You know, I think the Boss might have been onto something about this new AI stuff," the PFY notes.

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