BOFH: The Boss pulled the plug on our AI, so we pulled the pin on him

Database licensing can be such a contentious area

BOFH logo telephone with devil's hornsEpisode 20 "What's that?" the Boss asks, looking at a video on the PFY's screen.

"That's our new AI remote diagnostics," I reply.

"What's it doing?"

"It's walking over to its printer."

"Its printer?"

"Yeah, it's one of our users. There's some paper jam they want us to sort out, so we've got them using one of our new AI remote diagnostic tools."

"We've got AI remote diagnostic tools?"

"Yeah. They're just old mobile phones mounted on a Steadicam mount, but they're perfect for this sort of thing."

"And how does it work?"

"The system uses the captured audio and images to match the issue with common issues and common solutions," the PFY replies.

"What issues?"

"In this case, it'll look through common faults of the printer models we have on site."

"What common faults, though?"

"The faults in our database of faults. Using the sound and video from the camera, the AI will identify the equipment, search the support database, then come up with a recommended solution for the problem," I reply.

"Does it work?" the Boss asks.

"Yep."

"But surely it must have taken an inordinate amount of time to train the database – or are we subscribing to a service?" the Boss asks, immediately thinking of cost overruns.

"No, we're just using our existing service history in a new weighted database full of past issues."

"A weighted database?"

"Yeah, a database weighted toward the problem concerned. For instance, in this printer problem, the database will know that it can discard all the Sun Workstation information from the mid '90s, along with other operating system, network device etc. problems."

"That's hardly weighted," the Boss says dryly.

"Yes, but it doesn't stop there. The database also takes into account the caller, their call history, previous issues with the printer, the caller's department, where the device may have been deployed previously etc. all to come up with a most likely scenario for the problem concerned."

"Are we paying anything for this weighted database?"

"Yes, but it's a pittance."

"How much is a pittance?"

"I think it's just under 900 quid a year."

"Oh," the Boss says, "so it really is quite low."

"Yes, though that figure is tied to inflation."

"But still less than 1,000 pounds a year?" the Boss asks, pointlessly reminding us of the delegated purchasing authority limit for software.

"Yes."

"And what's it doing now?" he asks.

"It'll be examining the status indicators on the printer and consulting the error code data."

"And then what will it do?"

"When it figures out the best approach, it'll send voice instructions to the user."

"How long does it take?" the Boss asks.

"Should be any time now."

>tappity< >tap< >tap< >tappity< >tap< >tap< >tap<

"PLEASE OPEN THE FRONT COVER OF THE PRINTER," a voice from the phone says, echoing through the PFY's speakers.

The user opens the cover.

>tap< >tap< >tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tap< >tap<  >tappity< >tap<

"PLEASE TURN THE GREEN WHEEL ANTICLOCKWISE UNTIL PAPER COMES OUT OF THE FEED EXIT TRAY."

The user turns the wheel and a page emerges from the printer.

>tap< >tappity< >tap< >tap<  >tappity< 

"PLEASE CLOSE THE FRONT COVER TO VERIFY THAT THE JAM IS CLEARED."

The user shuts the cover and the printer comes back to life.

>clicky<

"IF THE PRINTER IS WORKING, PLEASE PRESS THE 'YES' BUTTON ON THE DISPLAY."

>BEEP<

>clicky<

"THANK YOU FOR USING THE REMOTE DIAGNOSTIC TOOL."

...

"Is that it?" the Boss asks.

"Is what it?"

"It's just Stephen typing in instructions?"

"No, sometimes it's me," I proffer.

"This isn't AI!"

"Sure it is! The users love it because it's so responsive!"

"How is it so responsive?"

"Because they don't have to wait till we finally turn up at their office. AND it means that we don't waste time getting to their office – so the turnaround time is better all round."

"But what about when you're at lunch?"

"Their call is very important to us and they are in a queue to access the resolution database."

"They'll get annoyed about that."

"They might, but to get a shorter queue we'd need to subscribe to the next tier of weighted database licensing."

"Which is?"

"The next tier goes up from two pints of lager a week to six pints of lager a week," the PFY replies.

"Three each," I add.

"So the license fee is just buying you beer, not paying for a database."

"No, you're paying for the database. In our heads," the PFY says.  "Anyway, the users love it."

"Well, I don't," the Boss says.

"So you're going to remove the AI remote diagnostics tool? It'll be unpopular."

...

Three hours later, the Boss has told everyone that there was no AI remote diagnostic tool.

Two minutes after that, the PFY tells everyone there is an AI remote diagnostic tool, but the Boss just didn't want to pay for it, so we'll be returning to our three-day response service level.

...

>tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tappity<   >tappity< >tap< >tap<

"TURN LEFT AND FOLLOW THE CORRIDOR FOR 12 METERS, THEN ENTER THE FIRST DOOR ON YOUR LEFT."

The user walks down a corridor, and turns into an office. On the screen the Boss looks up curiously.

>tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tap< 

"PULL THE SAFETY CATCH FROM THE HEAD OF THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER."

>tappity< >tap< >tappity< >tap<

...

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