BOFH: Forecasting and the fine art of desktop upgrades

New year, new PC

Episode 1 The Boss wants someone to explain the fairly simple Company purchasing policy to him.

"I think the real issue you have is the Beancounters not getting the rolling desktop upgrades you promised them last year," I say.

"Yes, but why IS that? It's a new financial year!" the Boss bleats. "I have the budget!"

"Yes, you have the budget, but you forecast the spend in November 2025, not January 2025, so you don't technically have the budget until November."

"But forecasting is just telling the Finance people that the money should be spent by that time, meaning any residual balance could be returned to the central pool for other purposes," the Boss argues.

"If only finance worked the same way that holiday spending does," I reply. "But it doesn't. In the REAL world, forecasting is used for cash flow prediction – something our Beancounters have been failing miserably at for years."

"Yes, but ..."

"And so late last year – probably at the same time that you were promising them desktop upgrades – the PFY and I wrote a module for the purchasing system to prevent people raising orders for: (a) unbudgeted projects over 500 quid, and (b) budgeted projects started more than a month before they were forecast to be started."

"The Beancounters love it," the PFY adds. "No more frenzy-spending in January as people try to get ahead of mid-year cuts."

"I think they may change their minds on that," the Boss surmises, "then get you to remove that module."

"Yes, we predicted that. We warned them they'd get pressured by upper management to remove our module, and suggested we wound some crypto around it and then put the keys in a timed escrow."

"A timed escrow?"

"A time-locked vault, if you like," I explain. "The keys to unlock the module are a 2048-bit double-blind Yelzinger cipher that can only be counter-ciphered by the cipher logic block key in mid-December 2025 – after which point they can be used to unlock and remove the module."

"Then I think we'll be recovering the Finance system database from backup," the Boss suggests.

"Really? All those transactions, wound back from the logs?" the PFY asks.

"Yes."

"The logs that are locked with the same crypto key – which we won't get until December?"

"You've encrypted the transaction logs?"

"Yeah. The Beancounters wanted to be sure that no one – not even the Beancounters themselves – could bypass the system. For compliance reasons."

"But what would happen if, I don't know, their server blew up? How would they buy a new one?"

"Their data's in the cloud."

"Alright – what if their network switch blew up?"

"We've got stacks of spares."

"ALRIGHT, what if YOUR DESKTOP blew up? You don't have a budget for a replacement."

"In the words of Teddy Kennedy, we'd cross that bridge when we drive under it."

...

The next day dawns, and my desktop machine is missing.

Well, when I say my desktop machine, I mean my decoy desktop machine with a stack of graphics cards that serves as a small Bitcoin mining rig and office heater.

I log into my real office machine and modify the authentication token between the HR and Finance systems ...

... half an hour later ...

"Uh, there's some sort of issue with the HR system," the Boss says. "The app guy says the HR system has stopped, uh, handshaking with the Finance system?"

"Oh, that's not really an issue. Today, at least."

"Really?"

"Yeah, not a problem. Next week might be a challenge – when the salary run doesn't go through – but today we're all good."

"Can you take a look at it?"

"Oh, I've got to pop down to Security and report a theft, but after that I'll be good."

"Report a theft?" the Boss asks nervously.

"Yeah, it's just my desktop machine. Don't worry, there's nothing too critical on it, but Security still want to collect all the info before they call the police."

"The police! Are you sure you've not mislaid it?!" the Boss gasps.

"What, you mean shut it down, unplugged all the cables, pulled it out from under my desk, and then mislaid it?"

"Perhaps it was the cleaners?" he suggests.

"Do they normally take machines?" I ask.

"They might have!" he babbles. "Maybe they wanted to clean it. Maybe you should look around the office?"

"No, it's a theft. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure Security will have some camera footage to hand over to the police."

"Well, I'm going to take a look. I think I saw a machine in the, uh, meeting room," the Boss says, dashing off.

...

Around 90 seconds later, the Boss is back in Mission Control with my desktop machine.

"I found this in the, uh, meeting room," the Boss lies. "The cleaners must have put it there when they, uh, cleaned it."

"That's not my machine," I lie.

"Sure it is," the Boss says, knowing full well I'm lying.

"No, it's definitely not mine. MY machine was an ... i9 14900K with ... uh ... 64 gig of RAM, a 4 TB NVMe, and a ... um ... 4070 graphics card. Yes. And that machine looks to me like an i7 6700K with some graphics cards in it. No, it's not mine."

And now the Boss is between a rock and a rocky place. He could admit he took my machine to teach me a lesson – which might mean a protracted discussion with Security, then possibly HR, then potentially an employment consultant – OR he can bluff his way out of it.

"Oh, you mean the upgrade to your desktop that I approved?" he lies, thinking on his feet.

"Of course," I say, joining the lie. "But wait – that was forecast for November."

"We must be able to find some money somewhere," the Boss hints.

"Well, you did forecast a bunch of money to be spent in January on your new office furniture ..."

"Yes, but I was going to get a standup desk and a ..."

"Or we could wait six days until the payroll run fails ..."

...

So I'm rocking a new work desktop, the Boss is making do with his crappy old office furniture, and even the Beancounters are happy now that I've pointed out that the January-scheduled BMS upgrade has roughly the same dollar value as their desktop replacements – and the only people who'll care are the whingers in the colored-pencil office whose retrofitted fresh-air intake is right above the underground car park exhaust vent. So pretty much everyone is happy, which is a good way to start the year.

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99