As Amazon takes over the Bond franchise, we submit our scripts for the next flick

License To Kill -9 ... For Your iPhone Only ... AI Another Day ... The name's Bezos, Jeff Bezos

As part of its quest for world domination, Amazon has bought the creative rights to fictional British spy James Bond.

Across more than 60 years, seven actors have portrayed Ian Fleming's iconic character in 27 films, all but two of which were produced by Eon Productions whose principals on Thursday announced their decision to sell the franchise and move onto other projects.

That leaves the internet goliath, which already holds the distribution rights to Bond films following its acquisition of MGM in 2021, with the power to determine Bond’s next adventures.

We’ve no idea what Amazon MGM Studios plans for Bond, but as ever, The Register has a few ideas for future flicks with themes we think Jeff Bezos's empire will like.

Idea 1. You're Only Billed Twice

A megalomaniac multi-billionaire plans to release a toxic airborne agent that can only be neutralized with medicine sold exclusively at exorbitant prices on his online store.

British intelligence learns of the plot when the tycoon's wife leaves him and smuggles out a sample of the toxin.

Bond infiltrates the manufacturing facility where the super-villain is brewing his scheme, only to be knocked out after becoming distracted by a giant screen beaming a hypnotic advert for a massive online sale.

When he wakes, Bond is strapped to a table with a laser bearing down on him to cut him in half right down the middle. Is he expected to talk? No, he's expected to die speed-reading the terms and conditions of his arch-enemy's cloud service. Thankfully Q has equipped him with augmented-reality contact lenses that allow him to literally and metaphorically find an escape clause just in time.

An easy escape clause in a cloud contract? We did say this was fiction.

Bond then shuts down the server cluster powering the villainous poison scheme the audience has already forgotten about. The billionaire attempts to escape in a helicopter he bought on his own website from a knock-off vendor called “HLICOPTRE”. The machine crashes, creating a fireball that engulfs the toxin factory, ending the threat to humanity and taking the bad guy offline for good.

Bond and the billionaire's wife escape, and the film ends with obligatory nookie.

Idea 2. The Code Is Not Enough

A megalomaniac billionaire convinces the world he has pivoted to a life of philanthropy, with his flagship project: An AI he touts as humanity’s savior, but which will actually enslave humanity.

A glamorous female open-source developer finds credentials for the project’s software in an unsecured cloud storage bucket, uses them to log into the billionaire’s GitHub repo, and effectively executes a supply chain attack that means the enslavement function will never work.

The billionaire’s henchman Jonyjob discovers her efforts, and wounds her grievously with a razor-edged tablet computer. As she seemingly bleeds out, the developer manages to copy the code into a personal repo she shares with MI6 agents she met at the RSA Conference, which is sponsoring the movie.

Bond is shown the repo and tasked with stopping the evil AI plan. To do so, he goes undercover as a lone-wolf Black Hat hacker. Much peril ensues, product placements by CrowdStrike, more glamorous women, we guess, and Bond only survives thanks to physical defensive features of a tactical hoodie Q provided at the start of the mission.

The trail leads Bond to a magnificent home atop a cliff, where 007 thinks he will find the villain but instead discovers that the beautiful FOSS developer is alive.

After obligatory nookie, the two manage to access the billionaire’s computer and, in a desperate race against the clock, the two guess the villain’s password – which is of course 1L0V3PR1M3 – upload the crippled version of the code and save the world. The film ends with obligatory nookie, observed by M via the dark web.

Idea 3. Quantum of CryptoDollars

A megalomaniac billionaire – no, wait. Too cliched. Let's try again. We open with Bond and his lover attending the Burning Man festival, at which terrorists kidnap several tech CEOs to hold as hostages. The disappearance of the executives sends global markets into a panic, and Bond is asked to investigate before the world economy tanks.

Bond soon discovers that the attack was the work of a shadowy group that hopes to destroy Earth's financial system and enforce use of its own cryptocurrency upon the entire populace, making the evil doers super-duper rich.

007 travels to a cyber-scam slave camp on the China-Myanmar border to meet the one person with knowledge of the shadowy group – a beautiful woman who helped to design a giant datacenter under the Antarctic icecap. She explains the facility is essential to the kidnappers’ plans as it offers the perfect frigid location in which to operate the quantum computer needed to handle a planetary-scale blockchain.

After freeing the gorgeous engineer from the camp, and obligatory nookie, Bond and his new lover travel to the frozen continent and she leads him to the datacenter and its adjacent lair.

As he investigates, Bond stumbles upon a boardroom in which he sees the kidnapped CEOs, who are revealed to be the real plotters who want to crash the world economy so they can rebuild it for their own profit.

Bond crashes the meeting and, equipped with an exploding replica Bitcoin provided by Q, destroys the quantum computer and saves the world.

The few tech CEOs who did not attend Burning Man, one played by Jeff Bezos in an uncredited cameo, arrive in helicopters and assure Bond they will now ensure technology is never again used for evil. They then offer Bond and his lover a ride back to civilization.

Bond declines and, after noting that the luxury accommodation adjacent to the datacenter remains intact, disappears with his lover for more, yeah, OK, you get the idea. Product placements by Oracle.

Idea 4. Starfall

A megalomaniac billionaire plans to take over the world's internet communications with a network of satellites encircling the planet. Unfortunately something goes wrong and the debris from a rocket putting a few of the birds up there crashes to the ground and hits a NATO country.

Oh wait, that actually kinda happened on Wednesday. SpaceX. Starlink rocket. Poland. Stick that in an LLM. Barb's your auntie.

Feel free to share your Amazon-infused Bond plots in the comments. ®

PS: Amazon is calling time on Chime, killing off the video-conferencing app from February 20, 2026. It will now no longer accept new customers. The web giant is also zooming to Zoom internally.