BOFH: The USB stick always comes back – until it doesn't

The soldering iron will see to that

Episode 4 The Boss want us to fix his USB stick.

"It's broken," the PFY explains, very, very patiently.

"Like it was broken three weeks ago," I add.

"And like it was broken a few weeks before that," the PFY also adds.

"And like it was broken just before Christmas," I say, putting even more addends onto the stack of stupidity.

"Yes, but it came back again," the Boss counters.

"It 'came back again' because the stars aligned, and some quirk of the cosmos permitted you to access your files again – but the stick itself is stuffed," I explain.

"But it came back before!"

"Which 'before' are we talking about here? The 'before' when you bent the stick about 45 degrees? The 'before' when it was so hot you had to shut your machine down to let it cool off enough to unplug? Or maybe it was the 'before' when you plugged it in and your machine just hung?"

"Yes, it had some TEMPORARY problems, but it's always come back!"

"i.e. It's not reliable."

"It IS reliable, it always comes back."

"It starts working again?" I ask. "By itself?"

"Sometimes. But sometimes you get it working – and I'd like you to do that now," the Boss whines.

"You remember last time – when we got it working – and we told you to back up all your personal files to another USB stick?"

"Yes. I did that."

"Then you should use that other USB stick."

"Yes, but I edited some of the files on this stick, and I don't want to lose that work."

"Fair enough," the PFY says, in an uncharacteristic act of charity. "I'll take a look."

The Boss hands over a set of keys with a USB stick – liberally covered in various kinds of tape – to the PFY.

"So ... let's see what our rescue software can see," he says.

>SNAP!<

"Oh dear," the PFY says. "I have accidentally snapped the USB stick off in the USB port of this machine that isn't even switched on."

"But that's only the USB bit isn't it. The chip bit is still inside?"

"The chip bit?" I ask.

"Yes, the chip bit that always comes out when the sides of the stick fall off."

"Oh yeah," the PFY says, "I could probably solder that back on."

The PFY goes over to the work desk and switches the soldering iron on. And by soldering iron I mean the machine with a "tip" the size of a pound coin that we occasionally use for melting chassis open.

>SIZZLE<

"Oh dear," the PFY says a couple of minutes later, "I think I may have applied a little too much heat."

There's a definite "ashy" complexion to what's left of the Boss's stick, and the chip is no longer aligned with the pads on the board anymore.

"Well, at least you tried," I say.

"So ... I have to use my backup stick then?" the Boss sighs. "My work is gone?"

"It would seem so," I nod. "It's a bit like that time when you spilled your soup on you keyboard, then a bit of coffee on the keyboard, and then the soft drink on your keyboard. Along with all the crumbs and splinters of salt and vinegar crisps – on your keyboard."

"That worked for ages," the Boss says defensively.

"And then it didn't work," I point out.

"But then it worked again!" the Boss counters.

"And then it didn't work."

"But then I changed the batteries, and it was working again."

"And then it stopped working. Again."

"And then your assistant broke it in half while plugging it into a machine that wasn't even turned on," the PFY says. "Even though it was a wireless keyboard."

"Back off, man," I say. "He's a professional."

...

Ten minutes later, the Boss is back in Mission Control.

"Could you ... maybe take a look at this stick. I don't think all my files have been backed up properly."

"What the hell's happened to it?" the PFY asks, taking the Boss's new stick from him.

"Nothing. It was like that when I found it."

"When you found it?"

"Yes, it was on the platform when I got out of the Tube. It's a 16-gigabyte stick – and no one bothered picking it up."

"So let me get this straight. You backed up the data from a crappy USB stick to ANOTHER crappy USB stick."

"No, that one's a 16-gigabyte stick. The old one was only a 4-gig stick."

"And what do you see on the side of this stick."

"I dunno, some company name."

"This is a merch-grade stick that you found in a public place. The saving grace for you is that it's probably so corrupt that it couldn't install the virus payload that someone put on it."

"But my files are on it. Couldn't you get them off and maybe format the drive?" the Boss pleads.

"I suppose I could give it a try – but I definitely won't guarantee I'll be able to recover them all."

>SNAP<

"OH DEAR!" I say. "I have snapped off your USB stick in ANOTHER port of the machine that isn't switched on.

"But the soldering iron is still switched on!" the PFY says happily.

>SIZZLE!<

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