BOFH: HR's AI hiring tool is perfectly unbiased – as long as you're us

Who knew the secret to workplace harmony was JUGULATOR?

Episode 5 HR's in a bit of a pickle, and the Boss wants us to fix it.

"I can't see why it's our job to fix this," I say to the Boss.

"You wrote the bloody software!" the Boss snaps.

"No, we wrote the CODE," the PFY explains. "THEY wrote the software."

"What are you talking about?" the Boss asks, slightly confused.

"They wanted an AI interface to screen job applicants," I say. "But they didn't want to subscribe to an existing service because they wanted customizations."

"Customizations? What customizations?"

"They wanted to be able to bypass red tape."

"?" the Boss asks wordlessly.

"They wanted an interface into an LLM that could parse CVs, references etc. from external candidates, but would also permit them to put a thumb on the scale of suitability."

"How?" the Boss asks.

"Well, say you resigned and the Company wants to appoint a replacement."

"OK," the Boss nods.

"They'd feed your position description into the system, along with maybe some KPIs and characteristics of an ideal candidate."

"Characteristics?"

"Yeah, you know, undiagnosed ADHD, little or no proven history in IT, short attention span, lack of attention to detail, low IQ, that sort of thing."

"Uh-huh," the Boss says, gazing out the window vacantly.

"But then they realize that the candidate with those characteristics is already on the staff, but because of the Company's appointments policy they're unable to simply promote him from toilet cleaning into IT management. They – sadly – have to look for candidates externally, which means that placement agencies – who troll these advertisements relentlessly – can supply a candidate to the AI matching service with a far lower IQ than our toilet cleaner, who fits the role even better! The Company has to cough up a finder's fee to the placement agency that gamed the AI by knowing its weighting algorithms."

"Really?" the Boss asks, gazing at a bird flying by.

"Yes. So HR asked us if we could have a tweakable system."

"Tweakable?"

"Yeah. Obviously no criteria that would cross any discriminatory lines, but hidden criteria, nonetheless, which would permit the perfect candidate to get the role without the underhand intervention of placement agencies."

"What criteria are we talking about?" the Boss asks, returning mentally to the conversation now the bird's gone.

"Oh, you know. Criteria like: 'To be effective in the role, the successful candidate would require the initials S & P,' for instance."

"Wouldn't there be lots of people with those initials?" the Boss asks.

"There may indeed be. But not too many whose CV would include a Bachelor of Advanced Pencil Sharpening in their academic record, and even fewer still who list couch surfing in their sports interests."

"It sounds a little primitive."

"Yes, but it guarantees the candidate you want."

"How can it guarantee the right candidate?"

"Because of the matching switches."

"Matching switches?"

"Yeah, switches like No Whiners, which looks through the CV and cover letters for people who turn over jobs too often or mention personality conflicts."

"I'm not sure you're allowed to do that. And I don't know how those switches would guarantee a placement. Surely HR and the department concerned would still have to review the CVs and cover letters of the top three candidates?"

"Yes, but then there are the Poor Candidate, Ghost Candidate, and CV Rewrite switches."

"The what?!"

"The Poor Candidate switch will supply the preferred candidate, along with the two worst applicants," the PFY explains. "The Ghost Candidate switch will create two fake candidates (who will miraculously have found another role if they get offered this role) – and the CV Rewrite switch will take the two top preferred candidates and adjust their documentation accordingly."

"Adjust the documentation in what way?" the Boss asks.

"The CV might mention a couple of three-year 'appointments' with His Majesty's Prison service. The cover letter might highlight the healing powers of psilocybin, their standing as a sovereign citizen (as guaranteed under Magna Carta), and ask about the possibility of permanently parking their house bus outside the building to make it easier for them to get to work and shower in the mornings."

"And this works, does it?"

"Oh yeah. But to eliminate doubt, we also have Power Words."

"Power Words?"

"Yeah, like BRITISH STEEL. If you mention BRITISH STEEL in your CV, you're guaranteed to be in the top three. Mention JUGULATOR, maybe as a band you used to play the accordion for in college, and you'll instantly be the preferred candidate."

"I see. Well, I think you're going to need to tweak the program a little because they're having some appointment problems."

"Really?"

"REALLY. One of the new HR team leaders appears to have no skills at all."

"Steve?" I ask. "Who used to clean up the glasses in the pub across the road?"

"It might be him."

"Steve?" the PFY says. "The lead singer of JUGULATOR, who used to work at BRITISH STEEL with the world-renowned keyboardist NOSTRADMUS?"

"What's NOSTRADMUS do?" the Boss sighs.

"It skips the appointments committee and goes straight to sending out the job offer," I explain. "A job offer with a very generous redundancy package."

"As it happens, I've just applied for the Financial Oversight Controller position," the PFY says. "I was the unnamed fifth member of JUGULATOR, also worked at BRITISH STEEL, along with NOSTRADMUS, and in my free time I like to work on building my INVINCIBLE SHIELD."

"INVINCIBLE SHIELD?" the Boss asks.

"Create a job that doesn't exist and that no one asked for."

"You can't ..."

"We can. And if one of us happened to mention REDEEMER OF SOULS, when applying for YOUR role, you'd be receiving redundancy papers by the end of the day."

"OK. So ... I'll be in my office if you need me," the Boss says, wandering off quickly.

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99