Tech trainer taught a course on software he'd never used and didn't own

'I'm glad you asked that question. We'll get to that tomorrow' (After I research the answer)

Who, Me? Wait, what? It's Monday again? That means it's time for another instalment of Who, Me? What's that, you ask? It's The Register's Monday column in which we tell your tales of technological messes and celebrate your escapes.

This week, meet a reader we'll Regomize as "Alfred" who told us that in the early 1990s he was working on DEC's venerable VAX platform, but had caught wind of the boom in local area networks and decided he should steer his career in the direction of Novell's NetWare platform.

"I told anyone who would listen that I wanted to get the Certified NetWare Engineer accreditation, but at that time I didn't work with networks, and it was virtually impossible to move into that area with the company I worked for," he told Who, Me?

Alfred therefore bought himself a book about NetWare and started reading it. Before long he had more time to spend reading, because he was made redundant.

A few weeks later, a former colleague called with news that he'd joined a new company, and they needed someone to train one of their staff on how to install and configure NetWare. Could Alfred do the job?

"I had never installed or even worked with NetWare but thought that this might be my way in," Alfred told us. "Being young and thinking I could do anything, I agreed to do it."

As Alfred contemplated how to handle this gig, he researched the cost of a NetWare license and decided that would be his base fee for conducting the course. He then added the cost of travel and accommodation and suggested a date a month into the future to give himself enough time to learn how to use NetWare.

The client was fine with his fee and proposed schedule. Alfred began to think he could make this work.

But no plan survives contact with the enemy and this one went pear-shaped when the copy of NetWare Alfred ordered didn't arrive for weeks. He eventually got his hands on the software on the Friday before his scheduled Monday course.

"I had two PCs available, and I sat on the floor in my lounge and started to install NetWare using the book I had bought, and documenting everything so I had decent instructions I could provide on the day," Alfred told Who, Me?

Installation took ages because NetWare came on 30 3.5-inch floppy disks. But in time Alfred had it running on his two PCs and got the two of them communicating properly with Novell's IPX protocol.

"I did nothing but Netware for about 36 hours," he told Who, Me?

Question time

On the day of the training session, Alfred told us he was shaking with nerves but also felt he might just pull this off.

That optimism didn't last because his trainee quickly explained he wanted to install NetWare on Unix, an OS about which Alfred was entirely ignorant.

"I was able to get the user to drive the Unix side and start the installer," Alfred admitted, and once that app started working his notes on NetWare installation mercifully proved applicable.

As the session continued, the trainee explained that he wanted to use TCP/IP, not Novell's IPX networking protocol.

Again, Alfred was entirely ignorant of that tech. He told the trainee TCP/IP was covered on the second day of training.

"That evening, I went back to a very plush hotel with a great restaurant and bar, all paid for, but spent all night in my room reading my trusty NetWare book and trying to figure out how to use TCP/IP," Alfred wrote. "I didn't get a lot of sleep that night."

"It's amazing how terror focuses the mind," Alfred opined. "The next day I went in, and installed and configured NetWare successfully on TCP/IP."

"The user was very happy. I had answered all his questions, and they had a fully working environment. Little did he know that I was literally only one step ahead of him."

Things worked out very well for Alfred. The chap he trained regarded him as a subject matter expert and often called to consult him on various issues. Alfred eventually won his Certified NetWare Engineer certification, and after some time as a contractor landed a gig at Novell.

"That book turned out to be quite an investment," he told Who, Me?

Have you ever implemented Alfred's "Fake it till you make it" tactics? If so, click here to send us an email so we can tell your tale of fakery in a future edition of Who, Me? ®