BOFH: The Boss meets the unbearable weight of innovation

The future of snacks is here, and it's a bit unsteady

Episode 10 "We need more AI," the Boss blurts abruptly, in the middle of an office meeting.

A few heads look up in interest, but the rest of the room can smell the ominous and rank odor of a dumb idea. A dumb idea that will have to be quietly pushed into a cupboard in a couple of weeks and never spoken about again. A dumb idea that will – quite likely – lead to someone having a fairly short – and final – chat with HR. Heads turn toward the PFY and myself to see if we'll quash the idea before it engulfs us all in failure, but I'd just like to plumb the depths a little more.

"What do you mean, more AI?" I ask.

"We need smart things. We're a smart company, we have smart clients – we should be smart."

"So... do you think that everyone who works at Nike is an athlete?" I ask.

"I... no, I mean we should be smart."

"No argument there," I nod, "but how?"

"I don't know. But we should have AI in things."

"What things?" I ask, trying to home in on whatever it is that has annoyed the Boss today.

"I don't know. But what about our vending machines, for instance?"

And there we have it. The company needs to get smarter because the Boss can't get the crisps he wants out of a vending machine. This is my job. This is where years of IT delivery has got me.

"How would we make them smarter?" the PFY asks.

"You could make them work for a start. That spiral that turns to eject a packet of crisps. SURELY you could put a camera on the machine to SEE that it HASN'T DELIVERED A PACKET OF CRISPS before it stops turning?!"

"OK, so a delivery camera. But you know the spiral ejector only came about to stop people shaking the machine to get chips out without paying."

"You could use AI to make a better anti-theft thing," the Boss counters.

"OK," the PFY says. "Camera, and better anti-theft. Anything else?"

"It's annoying when I go all the way to the machine only to find that it's run out of stock."

"By 'all the way' you mean out to the foyer?" the PFY asks.

"Yes, but if it's out of stock I go down a floor and check their foyer, and if that's out, down another floor, etc. Sometimes the only machine with any crisps in it is the ancient one in the basement – because no one goes down there to get crisps."

"Except you," the PFY asks.

"I DON'T KNOW! I just know that sometimes that's the only machine with crisps in it."

"OK, so camera, anti-theft, inventory reporting. Anything else?"

"Sometimes I don't have the right cash, but it won't sell me something because it doesn't have change."

"It does have a card reader on it."

"Yes, but I don't always have my card with me," the Boss whines.

"You want to run some sort of account?"

"OK. But also the buttons stick. So to get Salt and Vinegar crisps I have to press A17 or A18, but sometimes the A key doesn't work, so you have to press it really hard, and when you do the machine thinks you've pressed AAA, which isn't an item, so you have to wait until it's told you that it doesn't have the item and resets itself."

"What about if the machine used the camera we added to see you and dispense whatever your favorite was?"

"I... That would work I guess."

"Leave it with me," the PFY says.

...

If anything, I think that dumb idea smell is getting worse.

...

"So there it is," the PFY says, pointing to the machine in the foyer. "I've installed a camera, loaded your credit card info, set your favorites, and all you need to do is approach it and it'll dispense one packet of crisps. It'll message you to let you know when it's out of crisps so that you know to go to another machine. Want to try it out?"

"Yes!" the Boss gushes.

He duly walks up to the machine and...

Nothing happens.

"Nothing's happening."

"Yeah, you need to be closer for the camera to pick you up."

Nothing.

"Closer..." the PFY says, in tones reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter.

Nada.

"Closer..."

At this point I'm visualizing someone trapped under a rather heavy vending machine. However...

>Whirr< >tink< >plop<

"Well, it works, I guess," the Boss says, bending down to get his crisps from the delivery slot. "But I had to put my face against the glass for it to see me."

"Yeah, well, the camera has to be able to see the spirals in the machine, so it points almost straight down..."

"Could you make the lens a wider angle perhaps?" the Boss suggests.

"I'll look into it," he says.

And there are teething problems. With a wide-angle lens, the machine dispenses the Boss's favorite chips about 70 percent of the times he enters or leaves the office, so until the PFY can get around to fixing it he has to go and check the delivery slot – which brings the percentage up to a round 100 percent...

With that and him visiting other departments via their foyers, his credit card is taking a microtransaction hammering and the inventory levels are dropping.

But still, he does like those crisps.

Several days later, I receive a call from the Boss. Well, a pocket dial. All I can hear is muffled noises, but a quick scan of the wireless mesh tells me his phone's connected to a WAP in the basement.

"Just... need... a hand..." the Boss gasps, from his uncomfortable position, mostly under a vending machine.

"What happened?" I ask.

"It fell on me."

"How?"

"I don't know. The spiral stopped before the crisps came out."

"Yeah, there's no room for a camera in that model," the PFY admits. "But there was room for the anti-theft mechanism."

"The anti-theft mechanism?"

"Yeah, I connected the back legs to a linear actuator. If someone shakes the machine, it extends the back legs to prevent someone from being able to take stuff from the delivery slot."

"By tipping the machine over?"

"Yes."

"Crude, but effective," I admit. "Now I assume you want us to rescue you?"

"Yes," the Boss gasps.

"Well, we're probably going to have to get a jack," I sigh. "They're about 50 quid."

"Can you reach your wallet?" the PFY asks.

On the plus side, that smell's getting a little bit better...

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99