BOFH: These office thefts really take the biscuit

And the PFY and I are not about to get dunked for it

Episode 17 So the Boss wants me in on the "Big Biscuit Sting" team. People have been stealing biscuits from the Beancounters' tearoom, and the Beancounters want to know who's doing it.

Obviously, the PFY and I are doing it, after we found out that the Beancounters have a financials shell game going on with the accounting system to hide their biscuit purchases. Apparently they're journaling the cost of expensive chocolate biscuits into the previous year's entertainment expenses, which was calculated as a VAT-inclusive cost, but which – because the biscuits were imported – meant that there was some surplus, which could have been explained to me if I hadn't lapsed into a coma with all the Beancounter talk.

Anyway, the Beancounters have been purchasing extremely high quality, chocolate-encased (not covered, encased) biscuits, which the PFY and I have been helping ourselves to.

The rest of the building, on the other hand, has either (a) no biscuits, or (b) biscuits that are likely made from crematorium ash and a cancer-causing sugar substitute that taste like disappointment.

And sure, the PFY and I could simply make some Beancounter machines so appallingly slow they'd need "memory upgrades" to finance our own biscuit supply, but where's the job satisfaction in that? Winning only counts if there's a loser.

Or, even better, a whole department of losers.

So there's an investigation.

Actually, there have been several investigations, none of which have borne fruit.

First off there was the webcam pointing at the room doorway, which kept mysteriously turning itself off before the biscuits were stolen.

Then there was the ceiling mounted camera in the tearoom, which kept mysteriously turning itself to face the wall before the biscuits were stolen.

Finally, there was the top-of-the-line bullet cam with AI capabilities, full color night vision, motion detection, and instantaneous cellular and Wi-Fi reporting, which mysteriously got stolen, before the biscuits got stolen.

So we're on the case partly because of our "enhanced IT skills," but mainly because if cameras are being stolen, the Beancounters want them coming out of someone else's cost center. The Boss is expecting immediate results – in the form of footage of a cleaner sneaking into the room and taking the biscuits.

"What if it's not a cleaner?" the PFY asks.

"It's bound to be the cleaners," the Boss says.

"It could be a false flag," I suggest. "They might be stealing their own biscuits."

"I hardly think they would have raised this as an issue if..."

"MAYBE THERE NEVER WERE ANY BISCUITS!!!" the PFY suggests.

"Why would they do that?" the Boss asks.

"For the insurance?" the PFY suggests

"Who'd insure biscuits?!" the Boss blurts back.

"It very much depends on how much the biscuits cost – and how many might have been stolen."

A seed of doubt is planted in the Boss's mind and he starts to wonder whether the story is as simple as he was led to believe...

"The biscuits were not insured," he reports, a quarter hour later, after visiting the Beancounters.

"You seriously asked them if they insured their biscuits?" the PFY asks.

"I thought you said to check that?" the Boss counters.

"I did, but no sane person would do it."

"So someone DID steal the biscuits?" he asks.

"Of course they did – and not the cleaners. We need to lay a trap."

"No point. They've locked the biscuits away now," the Boss says.

"And by locked away, you mean in the cupboard with the same key as all our tearoom cupboards?" the PFY asks.

"Oh. I see," the Boss mumbles. "So..."

"The trap," I say. "We'll need to set up a camera now that everyone thinks the biscuits are safe – as the real thief probably has one of those keys."

"Do you think so?" the Boss asks.

"I can guarantee it. It's a bit late in the day to install one now, but we'll need to secure the biscuits."

"I'll lock them in my office safe," the Boss suggests.

"But you'll need to do it when no one sees you – because the culprit is likely a Beancounter..."

...

The next day, a couple of large blokes from security are in the Boss's office along with the Head Beancounter and the Head of HR.

"It was him!" the Head Beancounter snaps. "We caught him on the camera last night!"

"What?!" the Boss gasps, feeling the sting of betrayal.

"You think you know someone," I sigh, shaking my head.

"And that's not the worst of it. The replacement camera had the same serial number as the one that was stolen from our office."

"Really?" the PFY gasps. "How brazen! So I guess you recovered the stolen items?"

"Ah no. There's nothing in his safe, and security says he had nothing on him when he left last night."

"But you caught him on camera taking them?"

"Uh... it turns out there was a pot plant in the way, but uh..."

"So... you've got... nothing?" I ask, turning to the Head of HR. "What's the personal grievance process here again?"

Ten minutes later, everyone's gone and the Boss has joined us in Mission Control for a morning espresso to calm his nerves.

"So... we still don't know who the real thief is?" he asks, shell shocked.

"No. And it looks like we may never know," the PFY says.

"Choccy biccy?" I ask.

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