BOFH: HR discovers the limits of vertical mobility

Ambitious relocation plan stalls between floors 5 and 6

Episode 18 So the PFY and I are helping a couple of people move from the HR offices to OUR office.

Apparently, the two HR people in question are now so IT and AI-savvy that they're considered to be "Advanced Technology Personnel Consultants" – the "Advanced Technology" bit puts them into the "technician" category.

The cynical among us might suspect that the only reason they got the "Advanced Technology" prefix is because they'd somehow managed to attach four screens to their desktop.

Nevertheless, the move is being made, and the PFY and I are using the industry-standard method of moving expensive computer equipment with critical company data on it.

The wheelie chair.

This method, for the unfamiliar, is:

• Cabled accessories (mouse, keyboard, etc.) have the cords wrapped around each other and are placed against the back of the chair.
• The computer is laid on the seat of the chair.
• The monitor is placed on top of the computer.
• The power, monitor, and network cables are left to drag behind the chair and get snagged on office furniture and doors.
• Wireless mice, keyboards, etc. are placed on top of the computer to be lost during the moving process.

The four screens present a unique challenge as they're mounted on a bespoke arm system. However, the PFY and I manage to get them balanced on the associated chairs, much to the chagrin of their respective owners.

After our assurances that we've done this dozens of times before, that we're professionals, and that we're only going down one floor, they finally leave us to the transportation operation while they pack up their desks.

"Last one to the office buys beers," the PFY snaps.

...

"They were like that when they got them!" I explain to the Boss in his office, half an hour later.

The Boss conveys, wordlessly, his doubt about the initial state of the machines concerned.

"Well, the screens did fall from my removals unit after the cables got trapped in the lift door," I admit.

"Hmmm. But that doesn't explain your damage, though," the Boss says, looking to the PFY.

"My mistake was in believing that the stairs were a quicker route to the office," the PFY admits.

"On a wheelie chair?" the Boss asks.

"Initially, yes. The gear certainly got down to our FLOOR quicker. However, its condition would best be described as 'slightly foxed.'"

"I blame myself," I say.

"But do you?" the Boss asks, even more dubiously than his previous doubt.

"Not really. But we did nip the insurgence in the bud."

"What insurgence?"

"Surely you could see it?" I ask.

"See what?"

"The subtle power play. They move some of their people into our department, then a month from now, they move a few more, then a few more a couple of weeks after that, and before you know it they 'realize' that there's not very much difference between the two departments and so they may as well absorb us."

"It's a story as old as time itself," the PFY sighs.

"I can't see that happening," the Boss says, doubtfully.

"Tell you what, give the Head of HR a call. Tell him that you've noticed there's more than a few similarities between our technical workflow and theirs. Maybe hint that you're thinking of bringing it up at the board meeting on the sixth floor in about half an hour."

...

One sonic boom from HR to the Boss's office later...

...

"I don't know what you're talking about," the Head of HR says once I repeat my assertion of the planned hostile takeover.

"Please," I counter. "We've seen it all before. There was the time the Beancounters said that they did purchasing and we did IT purchasing, so we may as well be a sub-department of them. Remember that? It was just before the Head Beancounter went on that long trip."

"The trip he enjoyed so much that he never returned from it," the PFY adds.

"Then there was the time the bloke from the colored pencil office suggested that they designed stuff, and we designed networks so we were all really one big design department."

"Was that the same guy who was testing that new diver's weight belt?"

"Yes. Apparently handcuffs and a truck axle didn't turn out to be a safe diving device."

"I..." the Head of HR blathers.

"So... we'll just call it a truce? And you'll take your 'technicians' back?"

"I..."

"Well, that's settled then," I say, cheerfully.

...

"Is it really settled?" the Boss asks, once the Head of HR has departed.

"Of course it isn't," I sigh. "He'll be heading up to the sixth floor in Lift 3."

"How do you know he's going to the sixth floor? How do you know he'll be in Lift 3?"

"(a) because he thinks there's a board meeting on, and (b) because we locked all the lifts out."

"But you didn't lock out Lift 3?"

"No, it'll lock itself out automatically halfway between floors 5 and 6."

"You know, that lift has been giving us a lot of problems recently," the PFY says. "In fact, I think the emergency call button on that one has an intermittent fault – and the low-E glass we had retrofitted to it seems to attenuate network signals."

"Perhaps we should leave it locked out until we can get an engineer to come and take a look at it?" I suggest.

"Good idea," the PFY says. "I'll make a note in my diary to give them a call. Oh, but it looks like today's chokka."

"There's always next week..." the Boss says, unexpectedly.

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99