BOFH: You know something's up when the suits want to spend money

Generosity has nothing to do with it – there's a bonus (of sorts) on the line

Episode 21 "How are we going with the server replacements?" the new Boss asks, looking down his to-do list.

"Server replacements?" the PFY asks.

"Yeah, replacing our core systems. Surely we're going to replace the servers?"

"Most of our 'servers' are in the cloud."

"Oh. What about our network equipment? We must need to replace some of that?"

"No, no, it's all good."

"Well, perhaps we should kick off a project to plan for next year's replacements?"

"I... guess we could look into it," the PFY says, as the Boss wanders off to the next destination on his list.

...

"That was... unusual," I comment, once the Boss is gone.

"Yeah, it was like he was trying to spend money," the PFY observes.

Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of the Director.

"How are our online systems going?" he asks. "No issues? Are we being serviced alright? Should we be looking at other providers?"

"Uh... They're all... OK?" the PFY replies.

"Well, perhaps we need a price comparison? Maybe there's a better provider?"

"I could... take a look?" the PFY says.

"Good. Do that, will you?"

...

"Something's going on," I say, once he's gone, and the PFY immediately agrees.

Ten minutes of tapping at his keyboard, he has an answer.

"There's a Christmas bonus!" he says.

"A CHRISTMAS BONUS!!!" I gasp.

"Sort of," the PFY nods. "A survey of a couple of inboxes reveals a 'top secret, not to be mentioned to anyone' discussion at board level to implement a one-off 'Special Achievement Award' for any staff member who proposes a project that would save the company from significant costs or risk."

"Ah, the mist is parting. What projects are we talking about?"

"It's hard to say – because the project is 'top secret.'"

"So... everyone knows about it?" I ask.

"Yep. Everyone's been BCC'd by someone."

"Everyone but us, it would seem. So it's a feeding frenzy?"

"Uh-huh. The building people want to recarpet the entire building to eliminate trip hazards."

"An early play of the Health and Safety wildcard."

"The Head Beancounter wants to implement a two-factor purchase approval system to reduce potential loss."

"Everyone loves a trier," I observe.

"The colored pencil office want to migrate to a browser-based design tool and create an online digital library of all our prior artwork – including a side mission of digitizing all historic design material."

"History card, nice. What about HR?"

"The Head of HR has proposed a one-stop cell phone-based portal for leave booking, health reporting, personal improvement, and employment prospect management."

"Of course. And our team? What have we put forward?"

"Our TEAM? Nothing. Though as of... 20 seconds ago, the Boss wants to replace 150K of server and network equipment and the Director has suggested creating a project team to evaluate and migrate our online systems to a single cost-effective best-fit provider."

"So they're cutting us out?"

"Undoubtedly."

"Thinking caps on?" I suggest.

...

"I... see you... submitted a couple of projects for the... Special Achievement Award," the Boss says casually, after he and the Director wander (again, "casually") into Mission Control.

"Oh, those?" the PFY says, equally casually. "They're just a couple of thoughts we had."

"What thoughts?" the Director asks.

"Well, the obvious one is the Y2K38 problem."

"The Y2K38 problem?"

"Yes, similar to the Y2K problem, only this one's about older systems 'clocking over.'"

"Is that even a thing?" the Boss asks. "Would it even be that bad?"

"We may not be talking human sacrifice and cats and dogs living together, but it could be bad," the PFY replies.

"And financially catastrophic," I add.

"Then there's our second project – the Y10K problem."

"The Y10K problem?"

"Yes, when we get to year 10,000. NONE of our systems are prepared for a five-digit year."

"But that's... seven thousand... uuhhhhm..."

"Nine hundred and seventy-five years from now. Yes, but it pays to be prepared."

"You can't seriously be proposing that?"

"Of course I am. Using the Company's risk assessment criteria, anything with a severity of 'catastrophic' – however unlikely – has a risk assessment of HIGH, and risk is one of the criteria for the Special Achievement Award."

"By that rationale, I could propose UFOs crashing into the building," the Boss snaps.

"Write that down," I mumble to the PFY, much to the Boss's consternation.

"Clock rollovers are a real issue that the Company needs to treat seriously. I mean, the BMS system is still flaky after the change from BC to AD."

Nothing.

"Never mind," the PFY chips in, "we're also putting together proposal for a 'Management Abstraction Layer' to replace a chunk of intermediary positions with a web page that just says 'Hang on a minute, I'll just ask' in response to any question submitted to it."

"And which 'intermediary positions' are you talking about?" the Director asks.

"What's the combined salaries of our top five staff?" I ask the Boss.

"Hang on a minute, I'll just ask," the Boss says.

"There we go."

...

But not everything goes according to plan. APPARENTLY some senior IT people questioned the credibility of our proposals, and they were discounted.

Luckily, my last-minute proposal – that the award should be shared equally between the selection committee and the award winners so as to encourage better quality solutions on an ongoing basis – turned out to be the winner on the day.

Who could have guessed?

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99