BOFH: Forward-facing AI brand experience meets forward-facing combustion risk management

All this nonsense and we haven't even had Third Breakfast yet

Episode 22 The Company has organized a guest speaker for an early morning business strategy presentation.

Which no one has RSVP'd to.

In an effort to boost the numbers, they then added a free out-catered breakfast, which resulted in so many responses they had to book the big conference room.

Nothing galvanizes a freeloader like the opportunity for free food!

The PFY and I have been asked to attend to make sure there are no IT issues – i.e. that the screen and amp are on and that there's a dongle to convert USB-C into HDMI. High-tech stuff.

Suffice it to say we've already had two breakfasts and are contemplating a third when the presenter shows up.

"This is Darryl," the Boss says, introducing a weedy bloke in an ill-fitting and shiny suit.

The PFY takes a moment to admire the aforementioned suit, which Darryl proudly says is non-iron. I suspect that given the synthetic content of the weave, the words non-iron are more of a warning than a product feature.

"Darryl's here to talk about our digital rebranding," the Boss says.

I'm not sure that three breakfasts will adequately compensate us for this...

"Digital rebranding?" I echo. "Don't tell me, ones and zeros are out, and twos and threes are in?"

"I... don't follow?" Darryl asks.

"Darryl's a visionary," the Boss says.

"And we all know what happens to people who see visions," I say.

"A free ride on the Bergonic chair?" the PFY mumbles, plugging in the receiver unit of the lapel mic that Darryl brought with him. A lapel mic that looks to be Sputnik-era, judging by the size of the battery pack Darryl's trying to hide underneath his polyester business cocoon.

"Darryl's a spinfluencer," the Boss continues.

"A... what-now?" I ask, feeling around in my back pocket to see if I've got my Swiss Army gutting knife.

"A spinfluencer," Darryl says proudly. "I'm both a spin doctor and an infl-"

"Yeah, yeah, I can do the math," I interrupt dryly.

"You don't seem impressed?" the Boss murmurs, with what seems like a tinge of self-satisfaction.

"Perish the thought!" I cry. "I'm sure Darryl is every bit as invaluable as the 1-port network switch, a marzipan heatsink, or write-only memory!"

"Still, it must be good to meet a fellow professional," the Boss smiles, both twisting the knife and putting the slipper in.

"Oh yeah, I love meeting people whose sole job prerequisite is having an opinion."

"Well, I think my role is a bit more technical than-"

"Really, Darryl?" I interrupt. "What will you be speaking about today?"

"I'm going to discuss the use of AI to streamline business processes and brand direction," he explains. "This will help guide your Company to leverage a truly forward-facing AI brand experience."

Darryl bangs on mindlessly, using words like "empowering," "driving," and "revolutionizing." His voluminous wordage is a cream-filled, chocolate-glazed, sugar-coated cornucopia of optimism – but I, unfortunately, have Diabetes Pessimistus.

His patter, however, reveals two things: (a) his passion really is AI as THE business tool of the future, and (b) he knows almost nothing about AI – outside of the PowerPoint slides he's no doubt plagiarized from the internet.

In situations like this, one of two scenarios will generally play out: (a) he'll make a massive impression on the staff with a combination of PowerPoint animation and enthusiasm, or (b) he'll make a massive impression on the surface of the car park two floors below our office window.

...

"So what do you think?" the Boss asks, when Darryl looks to be halfway through his presentation, and the crowd seems to be a 50/50 mix of well-fed complacency and over-caffeinated annoyance.

"Some might say that getting staff to attend a presentation on how AI will likely make them redundant is a little insensitive, but on the plus side you did give them a free breakfast."

"So you don't think the presentation will go well?"

"It's too soon to tell. It'll either be a runaway success or a lynching."

"And what does Stephen think?"

"Oh, he's gone to get the tow rope from his car. He used to be a boy scout."

"I... uh..." the Boss gasps.

...

In the end, though, it was neither a runaway success nor a lynching – it was a simple potential spontaneous human combustion. Apparently, Darryl had ignored the battery charging warnings on his lapel mic, even though they were writ large in both Russian and hieroglyphs.

The PFY – as a former boy scout – was prepared, and emptied two large CO₂ extinguishers in Darryl's direction at the first hint of fire. Some might say before a hint of fire. Others might even suggest there was no fire, but we'd chalk that up to the fog of war.

As it was a potential fire situation, I was obliged to manually trigger the fire alarm to evacuate the building before the PFY and I made sure the room was safe.

And had another breakfast.

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99