BOFH: Nobody would be stupid enough to go live with the mirror system, surely

Oh. Well. Color us surprised

Episode 4 I'm enjoying a takeaway lunch of onion bhajis in Mission Control when the Boss walks in, accompanied by the Head Beancounter.

"Brian's here to get some numbers from you," the Boss explains.

"Not the enormous primes upon which my banking encryption is based, I hope?" I ask.

"?" the Boss says, glazing over slightly. "It's for the Board meeting this afternoon. He needs some numbers from you."

"Will 13 and 771 do?"

"No. I'm after the time-saving figures that AI's been generating for you," the Head Beancounter says.

"And do you need the time-wasting figures as well?"

"Time wasting?"

"Yeah, you know, the hours of pointless questions that staff have been asking AI. How to meet the right person, how to fix their TV, what spices to add to drinking water to mask the flavor of thallium."

"I... er... " the Head Beancounter blathers, no doubt making a mental note to bring his own water from now on.

"So just the time-saving numbers then?"

"Yes."

"For the board meeting?"

"Yes. I'm due in... 23 minutes."

"Yeah, I think I can generate them in about... maybe 17 minutes. >tappity< I could send them... straight to your phone if you want?"

"Yes! Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

The Head Beancounter dashes off to the lift, bumping into the PFY on the way in.

"What's going on?" the PFY asks.

"Operation Hoarse Pigeon is a go," I murmur.

"So it's happening then?" the PFY says, moving to his desktop.

"Yep."

"What's happening? What's a horse pigeon?" the Boss asks, confused.

"Hoarse Pigeon," I say, reviewing the camera footage from outside the Boss's office.

"Horse pigeon?" the Boss repeats.

"It's one of our code words," the PFY says. "In this case for 'an attempted coup.'"

"What?"

"Have a nice conversation with the Head Beancounter earlier?" I ask, finding some relevant video footage.

"I... guess so – we just chatted about AI and how it helps us buy computer equipment, and how you're using it to write programs and things like that. He was very interested."

"Uh-huh."

"So what do you mean, attempted coup?" the Boss asks.

"There's a board meeting today – and someone just happens to come asking for data at the last minute."

"So?"

"Just after they've been chatting to you about how AI's basically made us redundant."

"I..."

"And he looked smug. That's one coincidence too many."

"Aren't you being a bit... paranoid?"

"I wasn't paranoid in 01 when the colored pencil office wanted to do their own IT purchasing because they used the most expensive desktops. I wasn't paranoid in 2010, 2014, and 2016 – when the Beancounters said we didn't need an IT support department."

"Really?" the Boss asks, doubtfully.

"Yeah. See, we oversee a stack of IT purchases every year," I explain. "We approve or reject hundreds of high-value items."

"And?"

"And people don't like it. They don't want us rejecting their oddball orders – like a 'portable laptop' with an 85-inch screen."

"And everyone wants an 85-inch screen," the PFY says. "But you don't need to worry about that. What you should be worried about is that you'll be the first to go if the coup is successful. They'll do your exit interview and portfolio handover in the lift on the way out of the building this afternoon."

"I... You've got to do something!" the Boss gasps.

"No kidding," I reply. "In the old days, we'd have a carrot and stick chat with board members about how an 85-inch screen might look nice in their drawing room and how they might want to flush the contents of their web cache – that sort of thing."

"I... and now?"

"Now we take a more holistic view – and notice anomalies long before anything happens. Like the Head Beancounter asking our cloud hosting company to run up a mirror copy of financials without telling us – no doubt to prove that they can run their systems as well as we can."

"So you stopped it?"

"No, we let them do it. I mean, it's not like they'd go live on the mirror system – just to prove a point at a Board meeting. That would be irresponsible."

"Did they go live?!" the Boss asks.

"I certainly hope not. Not when the mirror system's got the same admin password as our system. Who knows what might happen to the data? Someone could change the currency from pounds to Turkish lira!"

"Or bananas," the PFY adds. "Or maybe they'd just delete several thousand transactions from the financials data."

"Or add several thousand transactions to the financials data," I suggest.

"Or maybe all three," the PFY says. "Which is why they'd never go live. That would be madness."

...

A picture of the boardroom appears on the PFY's screen, and we notice the Head Beancounter sitting quietly, waiting for his moment.

It doesn't go well.

...

The Head Beancounter is in Mission Control and he's not happy. Apparently, the Board didn't appreciate his presentation, nor the possible ramifications of missing transactions. His raging is interrupted by a phone call on my desk phone. From the boardroom.

"Yes?" I say, listening intently. "I see. Yes. No. I'm sure we can sort it out. You're sure? Consider it done."

"What's done?" the Head Beancounter asks after I put the phone down.

"Oh, nothing," I say, turning to the PFY. "Operation High Flyer."

"Oh," the PFY says, secretly operating the release lever on the office window. "Is that someone breaking into your car?"

"What?!" the Head Beancounter says, heading over.

...

Uprising quelled.

• BOFH: Previous episodes on The Register
• The Compleat BOFH Archives 95-99