But if I give him my bank details, I'll be rich!
21 Jan 2022 08:30 | 58
Software guy smashes through the Somebody Else's Problem field to save the day
Stay in your lane? Or check for a shoddy connection job?
14 Jan 2022 08:30 | 177
Nothing's working, and I've checked everything, so it must be YOUR fault
Yes, but are you sure? Really sure?
07 Jan 2022 08:35 | 161
You've stolen the antiglare shield on that monitor you've fixed – they say the screen is completely unreadable now
Scrub-a-dub-dub, we work in a fug
31 Dec 2021 11:21 | 161
Who you gonna call? Premium numbers, but a not-so-premium service
Let me take you back – way back – to 1998
24 Dec 2021 10:28 | 134
The Filth Filter is part of the chipset, honest. Goes between the TPM and SEP. No, really
One to wheel out when those friend tech support calls get too much
17 Dec 2021 09:30 | 46
What came first? The chicken, the egg, or the bodge to make everything work?
Taming the multi-tentacled IT beast with spoofing, shell scripts, and a bit of C
10 Dec 2021 08:30 | 132
How do you call support when the telephones go TITSUP*?
Fix the printer, fix the phones
03 Dec 2021 08:31 | 127
Swooping in to claim the glory while the On Call engineer stands baffled
Backups or crack-ups? Welcome to the world of the IBM System/3
26 Nov 2021 08:31 | 158
A lightbulb moment comes too late to save a mainframe engineer's blushes
Throwing light onto a frozen bit of big iron
19 Nov 2021 08:45 | 206
The Ministry of Silly Printing: But I don't want my golf club correspondence to say 'UNCLASSIFIED' at the bottom
Weekend upgrade shows how many MoD staff made personal use of tech
12 Nov 2021 08:30 | 206
Say what you see: Four-letter fun on a late-night support call
It's on a computer screen. It must be some sort of technical jargon, right?
05 Nov 2021 08:30 | 202
Sharing is caring, except when it's your internet connection
The SSID 'AllYouCanEatBuffetOfPr0n' might not help either
29 Oct 2021 08:30 | 127
How to keep a support contract: Make the user think they solved the problem
Look what you found! Aren't you clever!
22 Oct 2021 07:45 | 97
Scoot on over for a wheely tricky mystery with an electrifying solution
The computer is a chauvinist, you say?
15 Oct 2021 08:30 | 83
Fatal Attraction: Lovely collection, really, but it does not belong anywhere near magnetic storage media
Your PC is not a fridge
08 Oct 2021 07:44 | 165
Computer shuts down when foreman leaves the room: Ghost in the machine? Or an all-too-human bit of silliness?
The answer won't surprise you
01 Oct 2021 07:30 | 222
Check your bits: What to do when Unix decides to make a hash of your bill printouts
Symbol shenanigans turned out to be the least of the government's problems
24 Sep 2021 07:02 | 130
Electron-to-joule conversion formulae? Cute. Welcome to the school of hard knocks
Shake, rattle and roll is incompatible with your PABX
17 Sep 2021 07:29 | 145
Not too bright, are you? Your laptop, I mean... Not you
Those knobs can be sensitive
10 Sep 2021 08:30 | 109
Oh! A surprise tour of the data centre! You shouldn't have. No, you really shouldn't have
Getting hot and steamy in London's Docklands
03 Sep 2021 07:38 | 120
Fix five days of server failure with this one weird trick
When you have eliminated the impossible...
27 Aug 2021 07:47 | 162
So the data centre's 'getting a little hot' – at 57°C, that's quite the understatement
You know that thing that's supposed to put out the fire?
20 Aug 2021 07:36 | 102
See that last line in the access list? Yeah, that means you don't have an access list
But I hired the most expensive of contractors – how could this have happened?
13 Aug 2021 08:30 | 99
Breaking Bad or just a bad breakpoint? That feeling when your predecessor is BASIC
Here I am to save the day!
06 Aug 2021 08:30 | 90
Malware and Trojans, but there's only one horse the boss man wants to hear about
The company's IT might be on fire, but my needs trump those of the many
30 Jul 2021 07:30 | 31
Exsparko-destructus! What happens when wand waving meets extremely poor wiring
You killed my data centre, prepare to die
23 Jul 2021 07:30 | 95
Try placing a pot plant directly above your CRT monitor – it really ties the desk together
Actually, no. Don't do this
16 Jul 2021 07:30 | 192
Where's the boss? Ah right, thorough deep-dive audit. On the boardroom table. Gotcha
Ooh, watch out for splinters
09 Jul 2021 07:30 | 80
Go to L: A man of the cloth faces keyboard conundrum
When a user really is holier than thou
02 Jul 2021 07:30 | 184
Ouch! When the IT equipment is sound, but the setup is hole-y inappropriate
Let me draw a picture for you
25 Jun 2021 07:30 | 102
A hotline to His Billness? Or a guard having a bit of a giggle?
Choose Your Own On Call
18 Jun 2021 07:30 | 81
We don't know why it's there, we don't know what it does – all we know is that the button makes everything OK again
It must be working, look at the LED
11 Jun 2021 07:31 | 184
Today I shall explain how dual monitors work using the medium of interpretive dance
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
04 Jun 2021 07:30 | 151
The server is down, money is not being made, and you want me to fix what?
The sound of silence? No, no, it's stupidity
28 May 2021 07:30 | 176
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz? Detroit waits for my order, you'd better make amends
I've worked hard all day on-call... you drive me round the bend
21 May 2021 07:33 | 103
Protip: If Joe Public reports that your kit is broken, maybe check that it is actually broken
Because now you have a bill to replace all these perfectly functional devices
14 May 2021 07:26 | 87
The swift in-person response is part of the service (and nothing to do with the thing I broke while trying to help you)
I'll talk you through the steps... oh sh-
07 May 2021 07:30 | 33
Can't get that printer to work? It's not you. It's that sodding cablin.... oh beautiful job with that cabling, boss
Goodbye, Mr Chips
30 Apr 2021 07:30 | 176
George Clooney of IT: Dribbling disaster and damp disk warnings scare the life out of innocent user
Practical jokes: just don't
23 Apr 2021 07:31 | 130
To have one floppy failure is unlucky. To have 20 implies evil magic or a very silly user
Not quite what we meant by 'disk capacity'
16 Apr 2021 07:15 | 206
For blinkenlights sake.... RTFM! Yes. Read The Front of the Machine
Before smartphones and LCD displays there were... green lights and red lights
09 Apr 2021 07:05 | 160
Yep, you're totally unique: That one very special user and their very special problem
Register reader finds that some Apple fans are... not very bright?
02 Apr 2021 08:04 | 196
Yes, there's nothing quite like braving the M4 into London on the eve of a bank holiday just to eject a non-bootable floppy
I can indeed make things magically disappear if I shout loudly enough
26 Mar 2021 08:15 | 173
From Maidenhead to Morocco: In a change to the scheduled programming, we bring you The On Call of Dreams
Here's looking at you, kid
19 Mar 2021 08:15 | 159
Don't be a fool, cover your tool: How IBM's mighty XT keyboard was felled by toxic atmosphere of the '80s
The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand... cigarettes?
12 Mar 2021 08:15 | 234
I haven't bought new pants for years, why do I have to keep buying new PCs?
Friends and family tech support meets steam-powered computing
05 Mar 2021 08:15 | 213
A word to the Wyse: Smoking cigars in the office is very bad for you... and your monitor
A matte-black terminal? Neat! Where can I get one?
26 Feb 2021 08:15 | 147
The wastepaper basket is on the other side of the office – that must be why they put all these slots in the computer
Wow, this PC is hot stuff... actually it might be a bit too hot
19 Feb 2021 08:15 | 108
We know it's hard to get your kicks at work – just do it away from a wall switch powering anything important
Does your office have a singing swinger?
12 Feb 2021 08:15 | 133
The Linux box that runs the exec carpark gate is down! A chance for PostgreSQL Man to show his quality
They still laid him off, though
05 Feb 2021 07:55 | 162
Takes from the taxpayer, gives to the old – by squishing a bug in Thatcherite benefits system
IT's Robin Hoooooood, Robin Hoooooood, Robin Hoooooood
29 Jan 2021 08:15 | 120
You can drive a car with your feet, you can operate a sewing machine with your feet. Same goes for computers obviously
Mice do like cheese after all
22 Jan 2021 08:15 | 144
The Novell NetWare box keeps rebooting over and over again yet no one has touched it? We're going on a stakeout
IT staff can be so... spiky sometimes
15 Jan 2021 08:15 | 154
Pizza and beer night out the window, hours trying to sort issue, then a fresh pair of eyes says 'See, the problem is...'
Cold comfort for manager at the top of the escalation chain
08 Jan 2021 08:16 | 231
I built a shed once. How hard can a data centre be?
Brute force and ignorance a happy VAX does not make
01 Jan 2021 08:15 | 96
The curse of knowing a bit about IT: 'Could you just...?' and 'No I haven't changed anything'
Two firewalls are better than one, right?
30 Dec 2020 09:30 | 107
Yes, Microsoft Access was a recalcitrant beast, but the first step is to turn the computer on
I've got the power! Psyche. I definitely don't
28 Dec 2020 09:30 | 68
Everybody's time is precious, pal: Sometimes it isn't only the terminals that are dumb
Modem life is rubbish
27 Dec 2020 09:30 | 39
A pub denied: One man's tale of festive frolics postponed by the curse of the On Call phone
Just a little jiggle
25 Dec 2020 09:30 | 42