Something For The Weekend

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

'Can you identify your assailants?' Yes, they were pixelated! I'd know them anywhere!

'Inside' knowledge on the image database conundrum – at 25 frames per second

21 Jan 2022 09:30 | 38

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Not looking forward to a greyscale 2022? Then look back to the past in 64 colours

Any colour you like as long as it's black. Or white

07 Jan 2022 09:30 | 139

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Predictive Dirty Dozen: What will and won't happen in 2022 (unless it doesn’t/does)

We confidently predict that the predictions in this article will turn out wrong

31 Dec 2021 09:07 | 211

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

The ideal sat-nav is one that stops the car, winds down the window, and asks directions

It's not quite a Jag-you-arr

19 Nov 2021 12:40 | 161

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

One click, one goal, one mission: To get a one-touch flush solution

Gimme gimme gimme fried chicken

05 Nov 2021 09:30 | 76

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Remember when you thought fax machines were dead-matter teleporters? Ah, just me, then

No, things were NOT better in the past, so leave them there

29 Oct 2021 10:38 | 132

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Judging by the way your face lit up, my inbox just got more attractive

A message for you, (on your) rudie

22 Oct 2021 09:16 | 50

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

All I want for Christmas is a delivery address that a delivery courier can find

Send me an SMS and I’ll tell you everything

15 Oct 2021 09:28 | 157

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Get real: Say what you like about your app but don't be surprised if I trollsplain

My next column will be written in spaaaaaace

08 Oct 2021 10:14 | 57

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

2FA? More like 2F-in-the-way: It seems no one wants me to pay for their services after all

Shut up and take my money

01 Oct 2021 08:30 | 104

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Nothing works any more. Who decided that redundant systems should become redundant?

It'll all come out in the wash

24 Sep 2021 09:14 | 115

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

So I’ve scripted a life-saving routine. Pah. What really matters is the icon I give it

J’appuie sur le starter et voici que je quitte la terre

17 Sep 2021 09:13 | 119

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

You walk in with a plan. You leave with GPS-tracking Nordic hiking poles. The same old story, eh?

Please hold me back from the discount aisle in case I buy a USB desk fan

10 Sep 2021 09:15 | 116

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

A speech recognition app goes into a bar. Speak up if you’ve heard it already

Listen to me, Palmer, now listen to me

03 Sep 2021 08:29 | 108

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

When everyone else is on vacation, it's time to whip out the tiny screwdrivers

Fixing laptops and solving UX conundra – all in a night’s work

27 Aug 2021 11:24 | 151

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Live, die, copy-paste, repeat: Everything is recycled now, including ideas

We can't rewind, we've gone too far

20 Aug 2021 10:59 | 58

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Before I agree to let your app track me everywhere, I want something 'special' in return (winks)…

Help me, officer, I’m lost! 'No problem, sir, you’re right in front of me'

13 Aug 2021 11:35 | 86

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Q: Post-lockdown, where would I like to go? A: As far away from my own head as possible

About 238,855 miles would do the trick

06 Aug 2021 09:27 | 71

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

You MUST present your official ID (but only the one that's really easy to fake)

I can show you my Three Widths swimming certificate if it helps

30 Jul 2021 09:15 | 104

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Is it broken yet? Is it? Is it? Ooh that means I can buy a sparkly, new but otherwise hard-to-justify replacement!

I may consider offering you cash to break it for me

23 Jul 2021 08:30 | 110

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

The lights go off, broadband drops out, the TV freezes … and nobody knows why (spooky music)

It might be because technicians maintain an open-door policy

16 Jul 2021 08:30 | 103

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

The world is chaos but my Zoom background is control-freak perfection

Nudge that potted plant a little to the left aaaaand… action!

09 Jul 2021 10:01 | 96

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Devilish plans for your next app update ensure they never happen – unless you start praying

These things really get my goat

02 Jul 2021 09:13 | 81

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Who would cross the Bridge of Death? Answer me these questions three! Oh and you'll need two-factor authentication

I'm not the robot, pal, you are

25 Jun 2021 08:30 | 74

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

What job title would YOU want carved on your gravestone? 'Beloved father, Slayer of Dragons, Register of Domains'

How did I love thee? Let me count the email redirections

18 Jun 2021 08:30 | 120

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Whatever you've been doing during lockdown, you better stop it right now

You never did learn to play guitar, did you? Too late now...

11 Jun 2021 09:15 | 70

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

How many remote controls do you really need? Answer: about a bowl-ful

I don’t care if the football’s on, we’ll have to watch whatever the TV wants us to

04 Jun 2021 10:25 | 148

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Whoop! Robot/human high-fives all round! Oh, my fingers have disintegrated

Food for thought for obese minds

28 May 2021 09:15 | 56

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

How much would you pay me to develop a COVID tracking app that actually works? Ah, thought so: nothing

Meet Guillaume Rozier - a bit like Captain Tom but 76 years younger and no chance of a medal

21 May 2021 10:07 | 102

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Your private data has been nabbed: Please update your life as soon as possible while we deflect responsibility

Because our golf-obsessed boss has wandered off fondling his balls

14 May 2021 08:30 | 86

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Gone in 60 electrons: Digital art swaggers down the cul-de-sac of obsolescence

No lessons learned from (literally) decades of media format wars

07 May 2021 09:28 | 102

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

So what if I pay peanuts for my home broadband? I demand you fix it NOW!

The Zoom meeting I’m missing is already miles away

30 Apr 2021 09:06 | 86

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Something went wrong but we won't tell you what it is. Now, would you like to take out a premium subscription?

Get with the disruptive app design, granddad: meaningless errors are cool

23 Apr 2021 09:13 | 132

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

How not to apply for a new job: Apply for it on a job site

Watch as I channel my digital Yosser Hughes, violence included

16 Apr 2021 09:15 | 99

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

How to ensure your tech predictions catch on in a flash? Do the mash

All inventions should be demonstrated by a puppet doing a Tommy Cooper impression

09 Apr 2021 09:07 | 70

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Easily distracted by too many apps, too many meetings, and too much asparagus

Nothing like a steaming bowl of freshly picked spaghetti

02 Apr 2021 10:07 | 75

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Diary of a report writer and his big break into bad business

Ow. Thank you sir may I have another

26 Mar 2021 13:02 | 128

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Move aside, Technoking: All hail the Sweat Master and his many inspirational job titles

I hope he doesn't call me Pedoking

19 Mar 2021 09:30 | 95

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

'No' does not mean 'yes'... unless you are a scriptwriter for software user interfaces

The circle is complete. Now I am the master… er, I mean 'the source'

12 Mar 2021 12:30 | 181

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

The sooner AI stops trying to mimic human intelligence, the better – as there isn't any

Still waiting for neuroscientists to work out why

05 Mar 2021 09:30 | 120

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Half a million stolen French medical records, drowned in feeble excuses

A bitter pill best swallowed with eight gallons of swimming pool water

26 Feb 2021 09:30 | 86

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

You want me to do WHAT in that prepaid envelope?

Not quite the data dump I thought you meant

19 Feb 2021 10:29 | 111

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Dept of If I'd Known 20 Years Ago: Call centres, roosting chickens, and Bitcoin

Getting it half-right means you got it half-wrong

12 Feb 2021 09:30 | 72

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

My bad! So you're saying that redacting an on-screen PDF with Tipp-Ex won't work?

I tried calling all 27 countries for some help with Acrobat but their mums said they were out

05 Feb 2021 08:52 | 72

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Transcribe-my-thoughts app would prevent everyone knowing what I actually said during meetings

Welcome to another edition of Just A Minute, live from Scunthorpe

29 Jan 2021 09:30 | 107

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Nothing new since the microwave: Let's get those home tech inventors cooking

You might want to wash the rolling pin first

22 Jan 2021 10:32 | 164

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

How to avoid pesky border controls: Be a robot truck driver… or insanely rich

Have you finished that sandwich? If not, it’s classified as contraband

15 Jan 2021 09:30 | 54

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Two wrongs don't make a right: They make a successful project sign-off

Don't worry your pretty little head about it or I'll shoot it off

08 Jan 2021 11:25 | 135

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

What can the 1944 OSS manual teach us before we all return to sabotage the office?

Tell you what, let’s have a meeting about it

01 Jan 2021 11:30 | 74

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

My website has raised its anchor and set sail into the internet oceans without me

A ghost-ship story for Christmas

25 Dec 2020 11:30 | 88

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

This product is terrible. Can you deliver it in 20 years’ time when it becomes popular?

How to always be on the wrong side of tech fashion

18 Dec 2020 09:41 | 105

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

What does my neighbour's Tesla have in common with a stairlift?

Both are driving me up the wall

11 Dec 2020 10:30 | 273

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Running joke: That fitness gadget? It's, er, run out

I'd plug it back in but the cable's not long enough for a jog

04 Dec 2020 12:30 | 78

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

If I pedal faster and feed it spinach, my robot barman might pull more pints

When I dreamt of a sci-fi future, I'm pretty sure this wasn't it

27 Nov 2020 11:56 | 63

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

Not sunshine, moonlight or good times – blame it on the buggy

The system's playing up again. Infamy! Infamy!

20 Nov 2020 09:30 | 72

Something for the Weekend, Sir?

[Checks meeting agenda...] Where does it say 'Talk cr*p and waste everyone's time'?

Don't turn on the camera, don't turn on... Oh hi!

13 Nov 2020 11:25 | 80

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Articles tagged with Something For The Weekend

'Can you identify your assailants?' Yes, they were pixelated! I'd know them anywhere!

Not looking forward to a greyscale 2022? Then look back to the past in 64 colours

Predictive Dirty Dozen: What will and won't happen in 2022 (unless it doesn’t/does)

On Christmas night, a computer logs a call to say his user has stopped working…

Thank you, FAQ chatbot, but if I want your help I'll ask for it

Playing jigsaw on my roof: They can ID you from your hygiene habits

You forced me to use this fancypants app and now you're asking for a printout?

The ideal sat-nav is one that stops the car, winds down the window, and asks directions

One click, one goal, one mission: To get a one-touch flush solution

Remember when you thought fax machines were dead-matter teleporters? Ah, just me, then

Judging by the way your face lit up, my inbox just got more attractive

All I want for Christmas is a delivery address that a delivery courier can find

Get real: Say what you like about your app but don't be surprised if I trollsplain

2FA? More like 2F-in-the-way: It seems no one wants me to pay for their services after all

Nothing works any more. Who decided that redundant systems should become redundant?

So I’ve scripted a life-saving routine. Pah. What really matters is the icon I give it

You walk in with a plan. You leave with GPS-tracking Nordic hiking poles. The same old story, eh?

A speech recognition app goes into a bar. Speak up if you’ve heard it already

When everyone else is on vacation, it's time to whip out the tiny screwdrivers

Live, die, copy-paste, repeat: Everything is recycled now, including ideas

Before I agree to let your app track me everywhere, I want something 'special' in return (winks)…

Q: Post-lockdown, where would I like to go? A: As far away from my own head as possible

You MUST present your official ID (but only the one that's really easy to fake)

Is it broken yet? Is it? Is it? Ooh that means I can buy a sparkly, new but otherwise hard-to-justify replacement!

The lights go off, broadband drops out, the TV freezes … and nobody knows why (spooky music)

The world is chaos but my Zoom background is control-freak perfection

Devilish plans for your next app update ensure they never happen – unless you start praying

Who would cross the Bridge of Death? Answer me these questions three! Oh and you'll need two-factor authentication

What job title would YOU want carved on your gravestone? 'Beloved father, Slayer of Dragons, Register of Domains'

Whatever you've been doing during lockdown, you better stop it right now

How many remote controls do you really need? Answer: about a bowl-ful

Whoop! Robot/human high-fives all round! Oh, my fingers have disintegrated

How much would you pay me to develop a COVID tracking app that actually works? Ah, thought so: nothing

Your private data has been nabbed: Please update your life as soon as possible while we deflect responsibility

Gone in 60 electrons: Digital art swaggers down the cul-de-sac of obsolescence

So what if I pay peanuts for my home broadband? I demand you fix it NOW!

Something went wrong but we won't tell you what it is. Now, would you like to take out a premium subscription?

How not to apply for a new job: Apply for it on a job site

How to ensure your tech predictions catch on in a flash? Do the mash

Easily distracted by too many apps, too many meetings, and too much asparagus

Diary of a report writer and his big break into bad business

Move aside, Technoking: All hail the Sweat Master and his many inspirational job titles

'No' does not mean 'yes'... unless you are a scriptwriter for software user interfaces

The sooner AI stops trying to mimic human intelligence, the better – as there isn't any

Half a million stolen French medical records, drowned in feeble excuses

You want me to do WHAT in that prepaid envelope?

Dept of If I'd Known 20 Years Ago: Call centres, roosting chickens, and Bitcoin

My bad! So you're saying that redacting an on-screen PDF with Tipp-Ex won't work?

Transcribe-my-thoughts app would prevent everyone knowing what I actually said during meetings

Nothing new since the microwave: Let's get those home tech inventors cooking

How to avoid pesky border controls: Be a robot truck driver… or insanely rich

Two wrongs don't make a right: They make a successful project sign-off

What can the 1944 OSS manual teach us before we all return to sabotage the office?

My website has raised its anchor and set sail into the internet oceans without me

This product is terrible. Can you deliver it in 20 years’ time when it becomes popular?

What does my neighbour's Tesla have in common with a stairlift?

Running joke: That fitness gadget? It's, er, run out

If I pedal faster and feed it spinach, my robot barman might pull more pints

Not sunshine, moonlight or good times – blame it on the buggy

[Checks meeting agenda...] Where does it say 'Talk cr*p and waste everyone's time'?

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