BOFH Archive • The Register

BOFH

BOFH: What if International Bad Actors designed the vaccine to make us watch more Steven Seagal movies?

Pipe down – Nicolas Cage could be listening

26 Nov 09:30 | 152

BOFH: You drive me crazy... and I can't help myself

Service provider? You sure about that second bit?

12 Nov 09:15 | 100

BOFH: So you want to have your computer switched out for something faster? It's time to learn from the master

Corporate will make you jump through hoops – but there's always a window

22 Oct 08:27 | 96

BOFH: You. Wouldn't. Put. A. Test. Machine. Into. Production. Without. Telling. Us.

Right, Mr Beancounter?

08 Oct 09:15 | 159

BOFH: You'll find there's a company asset tag right here, underneath the monstrously heavy arcade machine

Flame purifies all

24 Sep 08:30 | 177

BOFH: Pass the sugar, Asmodeus, and let the meeting of the Fellowship of Bastards … commence

Stacy? Stacy of the industry-wide Crazy Frog ringtone VoIP software update? Good work

10 Sep 11:30 | 70

BOFH: 'What's an NFT?' the Boss asks. In this case, 'not financially thoughtful'

Anybody in the market for one of him whimpering?

13 Aug 09:32 | 87

BOFH: They say you either love it or you hate it. We can confirm you're going to hate it

So what you're saying is you updated the new machines from the network – the infected network

30 Jul 08:30 | 114

BOFH: You say goodbye and I say halon

I say 'Yes', Boss says 'No'. Boss says 'Stop' … and I say 'Go, go, go!'

23 Jul 10:46 | 86

BOFH: But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?

It is green, and BOFH is not the one. It's only a, er, miner problem …

16 Jul 09:18 | 49

BOFH: Where there is darkness, let there be a light

Where two or more idiots are gathered together, try to reduce the number of idiots

12 Jul 09:15 | 69

BOFH: Here in my car I feel safest of all. I can listen to you ... It keeps me stable for days

Yep, read the licence again

09 Jul 08:30 | 88

BOFH: Oh for Pete’s sake. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself

Just close your eyes and pretend it’s not there. Before you know it, it’ll be the weekend

25 Jun 09:15 | 63

BOFH: When the Sun rises in the West and sets in the East, only then will the UPS cease to supply uninterrupted voltage

Until that time, if it ain't broke … oh god, someone call the ambulance

18 Jun 09:15 | 98

BOFH: Despite the extremely hazardous staircase, our IT insurance agreement is at an all-time low. Can't think why

Why show them the door when a window will do?

11 Jun 08:30 | 42

BOFH: I'm so pleased to be on the call, Boss. No, of course this isn't a recording

I was thinking to myself, 'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'

04 Jun 08:59 | 61

BOFH: But we think the UK tax authorities would be VERY interested in how we used COVID support packages

Or we could just all contract a little amnesia...

28 May 08:30 | 52

BOFH: Postman BOFH's Special Delivery Service

Back to the office we trudge, dragging our hooked tails behind us

23 Apr 10:01 | 97

BOFH: Bullying? Not on my watch! (It's a Rolex)

Aye, me hearties... it is time to call H-ARRRRRGH

26 Mar 09:30 | 78

BOFH: 7 jars of Marmite, a laptop and a good time

Or 'How PFY and I do Access Control'

26 Feb 10:25 | 88

Popular

Leaked footage shows British F-35B falling off HMS Queen Elizabeth and pilot's death-defying ejection

Parachute snagged on ship's bows

You loved running JavaScript in your web browser. Now, get ready for Python scripting

All thanks to CPython, WebAssembly, and some clever developers (And yes, there's Pyodide, too)

Microsoft adds Buy Now, Pay Later financing option to Edge – and everyone hates it

There's always Use Another Browser

Snapdragon Tech Summit

Qualcomm takes a swipe at Apple's build-not-buy culture (because it wants to sell stuff to Apple)

Suggests collaboration with OS suppliers is the best way to innovate, ignoring that Google just designed its own silicon for Pixel 6

Can Rust save the planet? Why, and why not

The snag: This programming language is safe and efficient, but hard to learn, impacting productivity

Panasonic admits intruders were inside its servers for months

Spotted the crack after it ended – still not sure what was lost

AWS unveils Graviton3 Arm chips and more. But the real story is the slide from IaaS to packaged solutions

CEO Adam Selipsky takes the stage in Vegas – and may be on a collision course with customers

Visiting a booby-trapped webpage could give attackers code execution privileges on HP network printers

Patches available for 150 affected products

Register Debate

The climate is turning against owning our own compute hardware. Cloud is good for you and your customers

From the data centre to the desktop, here is the green solution

Think that spreadsheet in your company's accounts dept is old? 70 years ago, LEO ran the first business app

Mods to the design of EDSAC were 'considerable' says boffin

MORE
STORIES

BOFH: Are you a druid? Legally, you have to tell me if you're a druid

Er, I mean, droid. In the far reaches of the world, under a lost and lonely hill, lies the OFFICE OF NEVERMORE

22 Jan 09:30 | 75

BOFH: Time for the MMOCC. You know, the Massively Moronic Online Christmas Call

This year, starring an utterly, er, empowering personal presence guru

25 Dec 13:15 | 54

BOFH: Switch off the building? Great idea, Boss

Never mind what those blinkenlights are doing. Take a deep breath and this will all be fine

11 Dec 09:30 | 105

BOFH: You might want to sit down for this. Oh, right, you can't. Listen carefully: THIS IS NOT AN IT PROBLEM!

Oh is that right? The crappy Chromebook is fine now?

13 Nov 09:30 | 113

BOFH: Rome, I have been thy soldier 40 years... give me a staff of honour for mine age

Or, you know, just sign on this dotted line

09 Oct 11:05 | 84

BOFH: Will the last one out switch off the printer?

The case of Simon and the crunchy onion bhajis

03 Apr 10:09 | 117

BOFH: Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?

Red pill? Blue pill? Window?

06 Mar 09:06 | 162

BOFH: Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...

No, no. There's no such thing as a stupid question

28 Feb 09:15 | 71

BOFH: Darn Windows 7. It's totally why we need a £1k graphics card for a business computer

Look to the future, Boss – you know it makes sense

07 Feb 09:14 | 101

BOFH: When was the last time someone said these exact words to you: You are the sunshine of my life?

It's survey time in BOFH-land... and the dastardly duo are getting creative

24 Jan 11:12 | 103

BOFH: You brought nothing to the party but a six-pack of regret

A tale of Simon, the PFY and the consultant

10 Jan 11:30 | 112

BOFH: The case of the Boss's hidden USB inkjet printer

A little life support from Simon and the PFY

30 Dec 09:29 | 49

BOFH: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and the ransomware struck

If you don't cough the money, you're well out of luck

24 Dec 10:00 | 63

BOFH: I'd like introduce you to a groovy little web log I call 'That's Boss'

You know what the kids will think is boss? You, tweeting from that window ledge

06 Dec 10:14 | 117

BOFH: Trying to go after IT's budget again?

Ah, Director. Your childish antics warm my heart

22 Nov 12:00 | 64

BOFH: Judge us not by the size of our database, but the size of our augmented reality

In which the PFY and Simon show the Director their vision of the future

25 Oct 09:03 | 70

BOFH: The company survived the disaster recovery test. Just. The Director's car, however...

Well, it was an angry mob simulation

18 Oct 12:32 | 99

BOFH: We must... have... beer! Only... cure... for... electromagnetic fields

Slow your roll, your typewriters will be here anon

27 Sep 08:50 | 145

BOFH: What's the Gnasher? Why, it's our heavy-duty macerator sewage pump

It's also our nickname for the ISA card guy we have to pay to fix everything

20 Sep 09:20 | 100

BOFH: Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet

Leads? Detective Bastard Operator From Hell has nothing to Go On

02 Aug 08:02 | 107

BOFH: On a sunny day like this one, the concrete dries so much more quickly

Our hero and the Pimply Faced Youth valiantly bring pub o' clock closer for us all

05 Jul 12:30 | 119

BOFH: What's Near Field Implementation? Oh, you'll see. Turn left here

The Bastard Operator From Hell continues to meet targets on his roadmap in the latest instalment

28 Jun 10:56 | 79

BOFH: It's not just an awesome app, it'll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH

Time to take a custard pie, er, interface...

26 Apr 11:02 | 107

BOFH: Tick tick BOOM. It's B-day! No we're not eating Brussels flouts...

The B stands for BOFH

29 Mar 09:15 | 136

BOFH: Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello 'slab and a beanbag on the floor

On our hero sysadmin's watch? Not likely...

22 Feb 12:57 | 56

BOFH: State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol

And let's see how long he takes to crack

07 Dec 09:10 | 88

BOFH: Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let's get technical

Mindfulness worksheets? Lattes? We're all set

22 Jun 09:09 | 111

BOFH: Got that syncing feeling, hm? I've looked at your computer and the Outlook isn't great

Oh, and sorry about your phone

15 Jun 09:13 | 88

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

It's for your own Health and Safety

25 May 11:03 | 154

BOFH: But I did log in to the portal, Dave

I know where your supervisor is Dave

04 May 09:04 | 133

BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

It's the technology of the future-ture-ture

27 Apr 08:36 | 107

BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried

You're here to audit us? Hi! Fancy a coffee?

20 Apr 09:09 | 72

BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

Simon and PFY gamify the interface

23 Mar 10:01 | 137

BOFH: Honourable misconduct

Yurrrr. Yuurrrrg. Hnng. Vomit? No, I'm fi... yuuurrg. Yunnk. Unk. Gulp. HUALLLARRGHHHAAHH!*

02 Mar 10:06 | 81

BOFH: Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot

Oh, Sales Guy! You're a riot

16 Feb 11:26 | 82

BOFH: We want you to know you have our full support

What's that buzzing sound... Boss? Boss?

09 Feb 12:06 | 89

BOFH: Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service

Say it with us: BADD-AAS

12 Jan 11:32 | 74

BOFH: The trouble with, er, windows installs

The numbers don't lie...

24 Nov 11:28 | 53

BOFH: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the eeeeeeeeeeee-ARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH

10 Nov 11:26 | 55

BOFH: Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?

This is not a drill

27 Oct 10:56 | 89

BOFH: Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?

Our expenses? Same thing we've filed every year...

13 Oct 12:10 | 63

BOFH: Come on, PFY, let's pick a Boss

Robot intelligence not there yet... but neither is Boss intelligence

29 Sep 09:34 | 35

BOFH: We're only here because they said there would be biscuits

BOFH helps promote his company's 'Story' (if promote = bag of quicklime)

15 Sep 11:21 | 58

BOFH: Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY

Special tables with special chairs for special people

28 Jul 08:00 | 77

BOFH: That's right. Turn it off. Turn it on

Thronging gangs of idiots besiege tech

07 Jul 09:19 | 159

BOFH: Putting the commitment into committee

Do we have an agenda? Why of course we do!

23 Jun 11:07 | 119

BOFH: Halon is not a rad new vape flavour

Migrate data? If you're keen on seeing clouds...

16 Jun 11:00 | 98

BOFH: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back

Fly, little bird, fly....

28 Apr 11:25 | 90

BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have

Fires and server crashes also known to work

07 Apr 11:30 | 60

BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

Putting the shi* into internship

31 Mar 09:09 | 98

BOFH: Don't back up in anger

And soooooo, Brian can wait. You know it's too late when PFY walks by

17 Mar 10:31 | 100

BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you

Come right this way. The PFY doesn't bite... that hard

24 Feb 11:31 | 101

BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me

Letting go never felt so good

03 Feb 10:05 | 129

BOFH: The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample

Cherry-pickin'? You darn tootin!

25 Nov 11:52 | 82

BOFH: The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym

We'll take you away from misery of Hell Desk

07 Oct 11:48 | 52

BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones

Boss, are you blushing?

30 Sep 09:47 | 112

BOFH: The case of the suspicious red icon

Could it be a virus? Why, user, you should be head of IT. Yes, I said behead

16 Sep 11:29 | 86

BOFH: Free as in free beer or... Oh. 'Free Upgrade'

Even printer salesmen get the blues

22 Jul 11:00 | 139

BOFH: I found a flying Dragonite on a Windows 2003 domain

Just slap on our custom VR headset, Boss

15 Jul 09:05 | 56

BOFH: Follow the paper trail

What are you doing in our stockroom, buddy?

17 Jun 09:01 | 89

BOFH: What's your point, caller?

Service within 48 hours... with a smile

03 Jun 09:33 | 60

BOFH: Thermo-electric funeral

Just because it's half-dead doesn't mean you shouldn't keep flogging it

22 Apr 11:02 | 101

BOFH: If you liked it then you should've put the internet in it

Boss puts the ID in IoT

15 Apr 11:01 | 63

BOFH: Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles

Just as sure as a cattle prod goes BZZZZZT!!!

08 Apr 11:15 | 121

BOFH: This laptop has ceased to be. And it's pub o'clock soon

Quantum security is no joke, y'know

26 Feb 14:19 | 67

BOFH: In-depth IT training needs a single-malt distillery

Onward, Ultrabook solderers! Marching as to war...

29 Jan 12:00 | 43

BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please

The internet’s new motto: Citius, Altius, Fortius

22 Jan 14:11 | 73

BOFH: Taking a spin in a decommissioned racer? On your own grill cam be it

The rise and fall of the Luton-based Lotus Eaters

04 Dec 11:34 | 59

BOFH: How long does it take to complete Friday's lager-related tasks?

'I bloody hate time management applications'

27 Nov 10:02 | 82

BOFH: We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?

Psst. I can make your network super secure...

13 Nov 12:58 | 71

BOFH: I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know

Has no one noted how incredibly dangerous the windows are around here?

25 Sep 11:39 | 83

BOFH: Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE

On the helldesk, nobody can hear you scream

18 Sep 12:25 | 91

BOFH: Power corrupts, uninterrupted power corrupts absolutely

The best things in life are free, or at least come when there's no charge

04 Sep 11:57 | 82

BOFH: An architect and his own entirely avoidable downfall

Office remodellings get lost in time. Like... tears. In rain

28 Aug 12:57 | 43

BOFH: Why, I LOVE work courses. Please tell me more, o wise one!

Leadership styles ... I like Hugo Boss suits and people waving at me?

14 Aug 13:01 | 65

BOFH: Knitting bobble hats on the steps of the guillotine

While the Boss happily skips up the steps and puts his neck on the block

07 Aug 13:01 | 17

BOFH: My diary is MINE and mine alone, you petty HR gimps

Read carefully before bursting in here like that

31 Jul 11:38 | 54

BOFH: Don't go changing on Friday evenings, I don't wanna work that hard

Please refer to the procedures, I like things just the way they are

26 Jun 11:38 | 75

BOFH: Step into my office. Now take a deep breath

A veteran of the bore wars proves very hard to kill

05 Jun 15:21 | 42

BOFH: Getting to the brown, nutty heart of the water cooler matter

All that glistens is not ~~gold~~... something else

15 May 13:58 | 40

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