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Washing machine attacks Icelander
Reykjavík spin cycle of death
Here's a cautionary tale for those mothers who are in the habit of telling their long-suffering offspring that to exit the house wearing anything less than whiter-than-white underwear could result - in the event of fire-breathing bus attack - in attendant paramedics recoiling in horror from your smoking remains with a "Jesus, look at the state of his pants..."
What most mums don't realise, though, is that the risk of being attacked by a bendy bus and thereafter exposed to public humiliation is greatly outweighed by the possibility that the very process of obtaining pristine undies could prove fatal.
Yup, it is with a chill in our hearts that the neoLuddite Resistance Army can today report on the first instance of a Satanic washing machine. According to the Iceland Review, a Reykjavík man earlier this month "had to call police...after winding up in a critical situation while doing laundry".
The shaken victim told police "he had placed dirty laundry in the washing machine but when he turned on the machine it began to jerk and lurch with a great deal of commotion, ending up propped up against the laundry room door and blocking the exit".
Our Mephistophelean white goods analysis bureau says further details of the attack, including the make of the machine in question, are not currently available. It does, however, conclude that we are dealing with a new generation of super-potent cyberwashers which evidently cannot be disabled simply by pulling out the plug.
Icelanders, meanwhile, are completely oblivious to the dangers of the "Reykjavík spin cycle of death", as we've dubbed it. The police who intervened to neutralise the washing machine menace made light of the incident with the comment that "this was one more example that doing laundry is not man's work".
A word of advice: you won't be making smartarse quips when your mum has been knocked down the stairs by the Dyson and into the path of a psychotic Zanussi. Consider yourselves warned. ®
Good work by NRA comrade Neil Webster in spotting this incident. Stay vigilant.